Summertime is for the Kids

Ahhh, summertime. Not quite officially here, but marked by the last days of school. If your children are not out yet, they soon will be; and then it all starts - camps and swimming, lessons and trips, but most of all, long days together. Looongggg. Days. Together.

Which honestly, I don't mind. But I know many moms who do. Moms like the one I talked to today who admitted she was dreading the last day of school, all the togetherness. Moms like the one who has already posted the number days until school begins again on her Facebook status.

I'm lucky, I guess. I can sign my boys up for camps and lessons and take them to the pool, all with the help of a wonderful babysitter. But those aren't the only reasons that I don't mind summertime. I see it as kind of an adventure. An opportunity to take my boys places we wouldn't normally go. I take pictures, treasure the memories. With the help of said babysitter, we take day trips and learn about and see new things. And we do it together.

Together.

Because that's what summertime is for. With school and all of the activities and lessons and sports that our children are involved in these days, family time together is quite sparse at best. I love having all of my boys together, having fun, and having adventures.

Do we have long days with nothing planned? Yes. Do we get on each other's nerves and fight? Oh, absolutely! But ultimately, I have to say I treasure the long summer days we spend together. Because I know, from experience, that those days will be gone as quickly as they have come.

I am posting the following poem because I love it, and I love it because it means something to me. I wish I could take credit for it, but I cannot. And sadly, I cannot give credit where credit is due. If someone reading this can, feel free to post the author in my comments box. And feel free to share it with all those moms who are dreading the summer with their children.

Because, unfortunately, some of us don't have another summer to spend with our child...

To My Child

Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave the dirty dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take you to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours and miss my favorite t.v. shows.

Just for this evening when I run my fingers through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer.  It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day......

A Question with No Answer

"Why do we all have to be here?" I wondered last weekend as I sat in a small meeting space on the fourth floor of the Children's Hospital in our city. I looked around at the 75 or so other faces, all with somber expressions. We were there for a remembrance service. We all had a child who died in the past two years.

The "why" question is one I have been asking myself since April 22, 2009, the day my five-year-old son was diagnosed with cancer. Why did it have to be him? Why does it have to be terminal? Why didn't we know sooner? Why now? I could drive myself bananas trying to figure out the answers to those "whys," so I only allow myself to ask those questions on really dark days, down moments.

But I don't linger too long on them because they are questions with no answers. I mean, really, why does any bad thing happen? Why do children die? Why are some of them violently molested, by members of their own families no less? Why are small children made to suffer? Children who are supposedly born innocent with no sin (here comes the Catholic in me)? Why does anyone get cancer, Parkinson's, ALS, or any other degenerating disease? Why are babies born with birth defects?  Was it something their parents did? In my darkly depressed, irrational moments I tell myself that the reason that one of my twins is dead and the other one was born with a birth defect and lifelong "issues" is because we underwent fertility treatments to conceive them.

But that's unreasonable, right? A lot of people have conceived children with the help of fertility treatments, namely IVF. And their babies were perfectly fine. So that can't be a reason, can it?

Some people would say that it is. There is a huge group of people who sincerely believe that 'everything happens for a reason.' So much so that this phrase is thrown into every conversation, for every situation. Everyday situations, okay, fine, maybe there is some force at work in the world that keeps us going on to "something better." 

But I challenge anyone, dare them, to say this phrase to someone who has just lost a loved one and see if they don't at least get a kick in the shins, or worse. I remember when my friend's dad died suddenly of a brain aneurysm when she was 19. People actually said this to her. And I remember our conversation after the funeral. We couldn't find a single reason why he wouldn't be there to guide her life, see her graduate from college, walk her down the aisle, or play with her children. Nope, not a single one. They did donate his organs to several other people, so is that the reason he had to die at such a young age?

I remember 9/11 clearly, as does everyone else. I laid on my couch crying for a week wondering why thousands of innocent Americans had to die, thinking I or anyone I loved could have been one of them. Why spouses were left without their life partners, children were left without parents, why some would never see their wedding day or their child be born.  If the idea was that Americans are evil and had to suffer, why not kill the murderers, pedophiles, and drug dealers?

I have been a Catholic my whole life, and therefore taught to believe that everything in the Bible is the truth, that all the stories of death, destruction, disease, and plague happened because people needed to be punished. Although, there is a huge part of me that wonders if these are simply stories intended to teach morality.

If God is our Father and creator, then He loves us and doesn't want to see us hurt. He forgives all, right? As parents, yes, sometimes we let our children fail, or feel sadness, shame, or regret just so they will learn a lesson. But to intentionally cause something horrible to happen to our own children just so they can become better from it? Well, doesn't work if they are dead now does it?

No, I choose to believe that the God I love doesn't hurt us on purpose. Maybe He does have a "plan" for us all, but I don't believe it is to make us suffer. I like to think of Him as a wind-up toy maker. He has created us and sets us on a path. When we run into an obstacle, we can turn to Him, and He will set us right again. Sometimes, He may have to carry us to the next destination, but that's okay. And yes, if we open our hearts and minds, we can learn from the bad things that happen and make better choices.

Like the people who donate their loved one's organs after his death.

Like the people who start a foundation or scholarship fund in their child's name.

Like the people who work to raise money to find cures for deadly diseases.

Like the people who lobby our lawmakers for better laws, health care, and national security.

But what of the people who simply become bitter, mean, and angry, delving themselves into the depths of alcoholism, drug abuse, depression, suicide, or revenge? Then what of the 'reason' for the awful event in their lives?? What of the people who just go on with their lives and never make any significant changes? What good has that done?

As for me, when I do try to make sense of my son's death, when I do try to come up with the "reason," sometimes I think I wouldn't be writing if Joey hadn't died. Keeping a journal on Caring Bridge and having people comment on how it made them feel, inspired me to start this blog, which inspired me to submit freelance pieces, which is something I have always wanted to do.  

But did he really have to die for me to do that? I can't be sure. What I can be sure of is that it makes me understand other people's pain a little more. It makes me understand that no matter how big or how small, everyone carries a burden with them that is significant to them, and that we can't discount another person's suffering just because it is unlike our own. It has made me kinder to other people, more willing to listen, more available to help in even the littlest way, and hope that inspires others to do the same.

So, is that the answer? Do things really happen for a reason? I think I'm still going to have to say that is a question with no definitive answer.

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