My Dear Sweet Joey

My Dear Sweet Joey,

I’ve thought about you so much this week. I’ve been depressed a lot this week, too. I’m not sure which came first – the thinking about you then getting depressed or the being depressed so I thought about you.

School started again. That’s a change, and you see, I don’t do well with change. Sometimes, it scares me. I don’t do well with moving on and starting something new.  It makes me look back and feel sad for what is gone. The summer went by and wasn’t as fun as I wanted it to be.  The summer wasn’t as fun as the ones we used to have when you were here.

Everyone fought and yelled and snapped at each other, and every time that happened I wondered what they would all be like if you were still here. I wondered if you would swoop in and lighten the mood with a joke or a silly face or the suggestion of a crazy game.

I wondered if we need you in order to be happy.

I wonder that a lot.

I know there are happy moments, content moments, but I’m really fooling myself and everyone else, Joey, if I say that we are all healed. 

That I am healed. 

It still hurts that you are gone, and it always will. And I never know when that hurt will rear its disgusting head.

Like on the first day of school. Your brothers didn’t want me to walk them in to school. They were quite mean and hurtful about it, and I came home and cried. I cried like a child who wasn’t included in a game. I laid on my bed and looked at your picture and thought, You would have let me walk you in. You would have wanted me to walk you in.

But honestly, Joey, that made me even more sad because how do I know that for sure? How do I know that at eight years old you would want the same things you wanted when you were five years old? How do I know that you wouldn’t have thought that you were big enough to walk in without me, too, to run ahead with your brothers and run away from me, too?
 

I don’t know. And I’ll never know.

Things are changing, and they’re never going to stop changing. People are growing up. Their hearts are changing, their bodies are changing, their minds are changing. And I’m scared. I’m scared that just like the changes that were made to our family three years ago, these changes will just bring more bitterness, more divisiveness, more sadness when all I want is to find joy each day.

Do you know that I look at your picture and ask you to help us? Do you know that I whisper to you to give me strength? To put a joke in my mind, a smile on my lips and a positive attitude in my heart. I don’t ever want to forget the life that you lead, one in which you could always find something to smile about even when you were sad or scared or unsure.  Some of that must have come from me because you were half of me.  Help me find that half of you that is in me, will you Joey?

I don’t want to be sad and depressed. I don’t want your brothers and your dad to be affected by my sadness, but I can’t do it all by myself. I need them to be able to find the joy in their hearts and minds, too. So, could you help all of us? I know you are with some pretty powerful people who would love to work with you.

In the meantime, please know that there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. And it’s not all sad. Most of it is happy because you made me so, so happy. I’m trying so hard to hold on to that happy. Help me hold on to that happy, will you Joey? Because some days it’s so much harder than others.

You are my Sweetface, Mommy’s little Sweetface. You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll always know Joey, how much I love you. Won’t you be my Sweetface today?

 

I love you my sweet boy.

Mommy

100 Things About Me



In honor of my 100th post (gee, it took me long enough), true to blogger tradition, I present 100 things about me.

As I sit here at the computer, this is a bit daunting.  Am I really that interesting enough of a person to think of 100 things?  Let's give it a go, shall we?

I think I'll categorize to make it easier (so #1 should be, I'm a left-brained dork).

Food and drink:

2. When I was in my 20's I thought I didn't like wine.  I just had never tasted really good wine.
3. Now, I really like wine.  Really good pinots - either grigio or noir.  Paul Hobbs and La Crema are among my favorites.
4.  I love a good cosmo, too, or any mixed drink with vodka (and picture me saying that like Ally Sheedy in Breakfast Club).
5. This summer a lot of nights I've indulged in a Mike's Hard Lemonade.  I love the lemonade and cranberry light versions.
6. I drink very little caffeine.  If I have a soda, it's usually a root beer.  I have one coffee a day (although I call it coffee-flavored milk and sugar water because it has to be heavily flavored).  If I have any more I get all shaky, and I hate that feeling.  Not a big tea drinker, although I have started drinking green tea just for the health benefits.
7.  When I need a sweet drink, I will grab a Vitamin Water Zero, the Squeezed flavor.  I love it!
8. For me, nothing beats a huge glass of water filled with ice.  Best drink ever.  The boys are constantly drinking "Mommy's water" because I use fun glasses with straws.
9. I love anything cake-y.  Cake, cupcakes, really soft cookies...mmmm....oops, let me wipe the drool off the keyboard.
10. I binge eat ice cream right out of the container,
11. and I drink milk right out of the carton sometimes.
12. I eat very little red meat.  It grosses me out.
13. I make awesome lasagne using gluten-free noodles, ground turkey, sauce with lots of veggies, and lots and lots of cheese!
14.  Hubby has Celiac Disease - yes, I know that's not about me, but it affects me since I have to prepare a lot of things gluten-free.
15.  I think gluten-free food, for the most part, sucks.  However, in the last 4 years we have been doing gluten-free, the products have really improved.
16.  I'm thinking I should do a post on good gluten-free recipes, products, and websites, because there are a lot out there.
17.  I love grilled chicken, especially on a salad, and salmon, but never on a salad.
18.  I can eat raw carrots like candy, but keep cooked carrots far away from me!
19. I love broccoli, avocados, raw spinach, strawberries, apples and nectarines.
20. I hate peppers, mushrooms, pineapple and watermelon.
21.  I don't like bananas, but I love banana-flavored things.
22. I don't like anything too sour or too spicy.

About my family:

23. I've known Hubby since second grade.  We went to a huge Catholic school, so we didn't know each other well, but enough to feel comfortable and want to start hanging out years later.
24. I got engaged on New Year's Eve 1999, but I drank so much wine that night, I almost missed it (see #3).  It's still a bone of contention with Hubby.
25. We were 31 when we got married.
26.  We got married on a Friday, and it was the most beautiful, perfect day - weather-wise and wedding-wise.
27. Hubby and I have had four homes - an apartment, a darling little brick home in an older neighborhood, a two family rental in Long Beach, New York, and our current home.
28. I've had three miscarriages - at six weeks, ten weeks, and twelve weeks.  The first two I cried for three days.  The last one I was relieved because it was when Joey was sick.
29. I talked Hubby into doing fertility treatments.  I didn't even want to hear the "A" word, which is sad because now I know so many people with adopted children and how complete these children make them feel.
30. With my twins, I started preterm labor at 20 weeks and was put on bedrest for the next 14 and a half weeks.
31.  I didn't know I was in labor.  I thought my back just really hurt.
32.  I was in labor for two and a half days.
33. Joey and Slim were born, vaginally, three hours and two minutes apart (I'll let #32 and 33 soak in for a minute).
34. We moved to Long Beach, NY when the twins were seven months old.  We were to be there for two years while Hubby completed a residency.
35. I didn't want to go because I was scared (post 9/11 and being alone with two babies).
36. But I rocked it, and it is now a great memory!
37. I got pregnant with Knox when the twins were 11 months old.  Wasn't planning on it, but after a year and a half of infertility, I didn't think I'd get p.g. so easily.
38. Knox was born so fast, I almost didn't get my epidural.  Since I pretty much felt all the pain, I wish I wouldn't have gotten it.
39. So I was in New York with three babies under the age of two, and I LOVED IT!  I put the twins in the double stroller and Knox in the front pack, and we walked all over Long Beach.
40. One of my proudest moments was driving all three kids, my mom and neice into Manhattan by myself, and not getting lost once.
41. Lil C' was planned.  He's the only one who worked out the way it was supposed to, although we had to chase him out of my uterus.
42.  As you know, Baby E was a complete surprise.  He was unwanted at first.  I was so scared there would be something wrong with him because I was over 40, and I didn't think I was strong enough to handle any more heartache.
43.  I am grateful every day for his surprise arrival.

Some of my favorite things:

44. Season=fall
45. Holiday=Christmas for the music, message and decor; Fourth of July for the fireworks and message.
46. Color=blue, lucky I had all boys.
47. Movies=Memphis Belle, Sound of Music, It's a Wonderful Life, any of those 80's and 90's teen  movies like 16 Candles, Ferris Bueller's Day off, Breakfast Club, St. Elmo's Fire, Heathers, Disney movies like Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid - I'm sure there are more.  I love movies!
48.  Same with books, not sure I can narrow it down.  I used to be a voracious reader until I had kids.  Now it has to be really good to keep me interested.  Loved the Harry Potter books and can't wait to share them with my boys.  Never got into Twilight and refuse to read the Fifty Shades of Grey series.  Not because I'm a prude (which I am a little bit), but because the horrible writing insults my intelligence.  I did read the Hunger Games series and found it fascinating.  I'm working on Gone Girl and Wrecked, a non-fiction book by Jeff Goins, right now, both I'd highly recommend.
49. Sounds=obviously, the giggles of my kids, chirping of birds in the morning, the rush of ocean waves, marching bands, jazz music, the dry sarcasm of Hubby's deadpan jokes.

50. Holy crap, I'm only halfway through, and I'm starting to feel bad that all I've done is talk about myself.

51. Flower=hard to say, too.  I love the mixed bouquets at the grocery store because they last like two weeks.  I especially love when I get them for no reason.
52. Place to take my kids=the zoo.  We have one of the best zoos in the country here in Nebraska.  It's true.
53. Place I've visited=probably California, Monterey/Carmel area.  Gorgeous weather, laid back nice people, beautiful scenery.

Random stuff:

54. I'm the youngest of three.
55. My older brother and sister's names are Barbie and Ken (see, you've read this before - I told you I would use those seven things).
56.  My childhood nicknames were Skip (short for Skipper, Barbie's little sister) and Tass (because my brother called me Tassy intstead of Kathy).
57. My real name is Kathleen, which I love but don't go by because it makes me feel like I'm in trouble or someone doesn't really know me well enough to know that I go by Kathy.
58.  If we ever had a girl (which I'm sure we won't now, so it's safe to share) her name would have been Natalie Kathleen.  Natalie was one name Hubby and I both loved, and Kathleen would have represented all the good things I would have hoped to pass on to my daughter.
59.  Even though I get sad when I stare at darling little girl clothes, I'm so glad I don't have a daughter.  Doing her hair, all the drama, how much some girls hate their moms, and high school - I could never do all that again.  Some things about raising boys break my heart enough.
60. When I was little, I loved Barbie dolls and paper dolls.
61. I wanted to be an actress or a writer.
62. I loved riding my bike.
63. I sat in the closet to read books.
64. I went to Catholic school from first to twelfth grade.
65. I was in a sorority in college.
67. I majored in elementary education and english.
68. I taught second grade for one year and fifth grade for eight years.
69. I always thought my dream job, if I couldn't be a writer, would be as a professor at a university.
70. Now I don't see why I can't be a writer.

Fears:

71. Cancer: I used to think it would be my parents or me, but it was Joey.  I still fear it being someone else I love.
72. The dark, or rather, what's in the dark.
73. Heights. I got stuck on the top of a pyramid on my honeymoon.
74. Anything with more than four legs - or no legs (read: snakes)
75. Losing my parents and my spouse.  Or another of my children.
76. Writing my book about Joey, and no one wants it.
77. Getting something I really want.  Sometimes, I've gotten exactly what I wanted, and it turned out not as I had expected (thus the tag line of this blog).
78.  Never getting what I really want. For example, getting paid to write creatively.  I see all of your comments as validation for my writing, but I'd like value for my writing sometime, too.
79. Freak accidents.  OMG, don't even get me started on that.
80. Losing my ability to see or move.
81. Sexual assault and random violence.

Bucket list stuff:

82. Obviously, publish a book and more than a few people buy it.
83. Travel overseas.  I've never been.  Would love to go to Australia, Greece, France, England, China, Ireland, and a safari in Africa.
84. Hike something like a big mountain or the Grand Canyon.  That'd help me get over my fear of heights!
85. Do something positive for women and girls like start a website.  I try so hard to be positive and uplifting in my writing and a little bit self-depricating because I think the biggest mistake a woman can make is thinking that she is better than anyone else.  It's what divides us, and we should really be thinking that we are all in this crazy life of womanhood and motherhood together.
86. I have no desire to ever sky-dive, bungee jump, or ride in a hot air balloon (see #73).
87.  Or get a tatoo.
88. I would like to be able to wear a bikini again.


Other stuff:
89. I weigh about 25 more pounds than I did when I got married. And I'm scared I will keep gaining weight.  My health has not been a priority these last three years.
90. The other day at the doctor I was 5 feet, 3 and 3/4 inches.  If my calculations are correct, I've grown approximately 3/4ths of an inch!
91. Unfortunately, I'm smart enough to know that 3/4ths of an inch does not equal 25 pounds.
92. If I was going to get free plastic surgery, I would pick a nose job (no pun intended) over a boob job.  Everyone sees your nose.  If you are a normal, slightly prudish person like me, no one but your Husband and your kids sees your boobs.
93. I might feel differently about #92 once I stop nursing baby #5.
94. I've discovered that I love yoga.
95. I make my family go to mass every Sunday, even though I haven't heard a word of it in eight years.
96. I sleep with the same baby pillow that my mom made me when I was two.  It's soft and broken in and familiar.
97. I also sleep with Joey's favorite stuffed animal, Stripey Kitten.
98. I fall asleep in a chair or on the couch A LOT with my lap top in my lap.
99. I hate that my house is such a mess right now.
100. If you ask me another day, half of the things on this list might change.


What else would you ask me about myself that I didn't mention?  Or if you know me personally, what would you add that I left out?

It's About Priorities

Today was a pretty busy day.  We had mass followed by Open House for both the older boys' school and Lil' C's preschool.  After that I had to run to the store to stock up on milk and fruit and after school snacks.

When I was finally home, I had a choice to make. Did I start to clean the mess that was my house - breakfast still evident in the kitchen, piles of clothes, shoes and socks littered in the laundry room, various toys strewn all about.

Or did I sit down with my laptop and troll Facebook, send some Tweets, and catch up on e-mail and blog reading?

No, I decided instead to set my priorities. I put on my running shorts and tennis shoes and asked the boys if they wanted to go for a walk with me. Slim decided to stay home with Daddy and throw balls around the backyard, but the three others set out with me.

We went for a great walk! In all, I walked/ran (remember 'cause that's what I do) and the boys scootered about two and a half miles.

Halfway down the trail we chose, we came upon a small pond. The boys could see ducks, so they asked if they could go closer. We sat for a long time watching the ducks bob for fish, wiggling their tail feathers in the air.  We watched as frogs jumped out of the water onto a piece of driftwood.  We counted the other sets of frog eyes peering out of the water at us. And we listened to the geese honk from across the pond.



We sat for a long time, just watching and talking and showing Baby E all the animals. I thought about how this was the last day before school started again.  Before Cub Scouts and soccer and speech therapy and homework and countless other obligations begin again. And I was really glad I asked the boys to walk with me.

Even when they started complaining on the way home, I kept a smile on my face (we had walked a long way after all). To think I could have missed it.  I could have been buried in laundry or tied to my computer trying to figure out more about SEO.

No, it really is all about priorities.  Tomorrow school starts, and my time with my boys will be significantly less.  It will be more structured and, probably, a lot more stressful. 

Today was just what we needed as an unofficial end to our summer time together.  I'm glad I had my priorities straight.

***

The director of my sons' preschool is one of the sweetest, wackiest-in-the-cutest-way, soft-hearted people I've ever met.  Every year she includes the same poem in the preschool parents' packet, and I just love it.  It is the perfect reminder of what's really important.  I've posted it before, but it bears repeating, today and often.

To My Child  by Sally Meyer

Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave the dirty dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take you to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours and miss my favorite t.v. shows.

Just for this evening when I run my fingers through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day......


Here's to a wonderful and safe school year for all our children!

I Spy a Family

It was one of those rare late summer evenings.  The kind when the air is cool rather than humid and the locusts are silent rather than buzzing.  There was no wind, no clouds, just clear, beautiful stillness.

Knox and Lil' C were in the back yard with Hubby, who was throwing baseballs.  Knox, who is not particularly athletic, was knocking the heck out of them, and Lil' C was cheering him on.

Baby E was waiting eagerly by the back door, and I let him out just as I would shoo a little puppy out to play.

Slim was in the basement putting Lego's together, and I could hear the adventure that he was scripting for his Star Wars characters.

I was busily wiping the counters and washing every last pot and pan in an attempt to leave more time to cuddle with the boys before bed. The windows were open letting the cool fresh air swirl through the house.

And suddenly it hit me...

a feeling of contentment and peace such that I haven't had in a really, really long time. 

Maybe since long before Joey's diagnosis.

Usually when I look upon scenes such as the one I was viewing, I am washed with sadness and anger, fear and hostility. I think about the what-ifs and the why-hims, and I'm filled with bitterness and envy for those families that are whole and complete.  And I have an ache in my heart that hurts so badly I feel as if I might want to just curl up and die.

But this night felt different. It felt happy, sweet and other worldly. I don't mean in a way that I was hovering out of my body or anything, but it just felt so different than what I have been feeling for the past three years and four months.  Like I was someone different and I was looking at a different family who had been through different circumstances.

By the time I was finished with my kitchen chores, Hubby had lit a fire in the outdoor fireplace and the boys had gathered around it.  I turned on some jazz music loud enough to be heard in the backyard, found Slim who was now playing his Nintendo DS, and coaxed him outside with me.

It was dusk and Knox had found a flashlight.  He was holding it under his chin and telling spooky stories.  Hubby and I laughed in sinister voices - mwa haa haa haa - and Lil' C was riveted to every word Knox uttered.  Even though Slim was still playing his DS, he would laugh and add a bit to Knox's story here and there.  And Baby E was toddling from one of us to other as we patted and hugged him and tossed him toys.



Lil' C is enthralled with Knox's story.

Daddy and Slim being entertained by Knox's story.

Even Baby E wants to listen.

 

And that's when it happened: I spied a family.

A family that, although they may yell and argue and disagree, still knows how to laugh and love and live.

A family that knows how to go on even though there is a hole in their hearts and an empty seat around the fire.  A family that is living as their brother would live - in the moment. 

In the goofy, silly moment.

Instead of being angry and bitter that Joey is gone, I smiled thinking how much like Joey Knox has become.

And it made me happy.  It made me happy to know that pieces of him are going to live on and make themselves known in infinite moments like these.  In surprise ways that will hit us and fill our hearts with joy.

That joy will never replace the sadness we feel.  It will never fill the empty hole left by our sweet Joey's absence.

What it will do is help us to go on, to be that family that I spied. The family that must accept what their numbers are, not what they should be.  The family that must work to find joy most of the time and be surprised when joy finds it some of the time.

I spied a family that has finally learned how to move forward, not holding on to the past, but carrying a piece of it with them.

The "I Don't Wanna" Mantra

Some days I feel like the mantra in my house is, "I don't waannaa!" Whenever an activity has been suggested this summer, inevitably someone has used this mantra in an attempt to get out of the suggested activity.

And it doesn't matter what it is.  Whether it is a favorite activity that everyone enjoys, like swimming, or whether it is something brand-new that I've decided everyone should try, there is always one naysayer in the group. This summer, it has mostly been the older boys, who want to stay home and play video games or watch t.v.

Here is how every conversation before each outing this summer has gone:

Me: "Okay boys, let's get ready to go to the pool/swimming lessons/park/zoo/Children's Museum/camp!"

Boys: "I don't wanna!"

Me: "Well, what do you want to do?"

Boys: "I dunno.  Play video games."

Me: "But it's a gorgeous day!  We're not going to sit inside all day!"

Boys: "No it's not.  It's too hot/windy/cloudy/buggy outside."

Me: "Boys, there is a whole world out there for us to explore!  Let's go do something!"

Boys: "Naah."

Me: "We are NOT going to sit in this house!  I am getting in the car!"

Boys: "MOOOOM!  NOOO!  WAAAIIT!!"

That's right, I have had to force them in the car under the threat of abandonment.  Honestly, this tactic has brought out fierce brotherly ties, as well.  When I get tired of waiting for someone, I start to back out the car.  The other boys will get very upset and insist that we really can't leave without the straggler.

Yes, I have to force them to be loyal to one another as well. Mom. Of. The. Year. Right here.

You know what else I have found though?  Not once this summer at any place we have been, have the boys complained once we get there. 

I think I have this whole "I don't wanna" mantra figured out.  I think it is:
a.) Force of habit.
b.) Their way of telling me they are perfectly comfortable right where they are, thankyouverymuchmom.
c.) Their natural response to my inability to plan ahead.

You see, my boys are a lot like me. They are pretty much homebodies who love t.v. and feel anxiety when faced with potentially new and unknown situations.  On weekends, I know I'd much rather stay home and watch a movie with my family than hit the new, trendy, crowded restaurant.

But once I get there?  I love people watching, seeing what everyone is wearing, and trying a new dish or wine.  I end up enjoying myself and being glad I went.

And sometimes I just need someone to push me out the door, too.

Today we went to a museum that we only go to once a year in the summer.  It is in a former train depot and has antique locomotive engines and miniature trains, old-fashioned cars, and history displays.  Every summer it has a travelling exhibit that is usually pretty fun for kids.

When I suggested told the boys we were going, of course I was greeted with a chorus of, "I don't wannas!"  Once we were there, however, everyone found something they could enjoy.

Knox enjoyed learning which types of
train wheels stayed on the tracks.

Lil' C and Baby E were learning how
the wheels on a train work.

And Slim enjoyed "bending his mind" doing the puzzles in the traveling display.  In the end, I'm always glad I force encourage my boys to go places.  Sometimes a little encouragement is all it takes to get everyone out of their "I don't wanna" funk, including me.



Knox, me, Slim, and Baby E having fun pretending
in the replica of a streetcar.

How has your summer been going?  Have you had to force your kids out, or are they anxious to go places?

He Poked Me While I Was Sleeping

                                                     

source

I felt it sometime around 1:00 a.m.  A small finger poking my shoulder.

"Mom, my toe really hurts.  Will you get me a band-aid?"

I opened one eye and looked at Knox. "You can't get you own band-aid?"

"I can't find any, Mom.  Will you please help me?"

Without a word, I got up and went to the hall closet where it took me exactly 2.2 seconds to locate a box of Scooby-Doo band-aids.  I handed it to Knox, kissed him on the head, and went back to bed.

Only to sleep for another hour before I was awakened again, this time by the

My Semi-Medium Encounter

source

The other day I had to take Slim to the doctor to see about an eye infection (no pun intended).  When he stepped on the scale, the nurse announced that he weighed 44.4 pounds (yes, he's eight, and he weighs one pound more than my four-year-old...but that's another post).

My skin tingled when she gave the number. I've mentioned previously that the number 444 is one of my "signs" from Joey.  It made me pause, and wonder what he was trying to tell me.

Later that afternoon, I received a phone call from my friend, Liz.  She had tickets to psychic medium Rebecca Rosen's show that she could not use and wanted to know if I could.

Once again, my skin tingled. Joey wanted me to be there.

Of course I said yes, and later told Hubby I was going.  To my surprise, my skeptical, left-brained, scientific thinking, psychology major husband said he'd like to go with me.

All afternoon yesterday I felt sick to my stomach.  Anticipation and nerves were getting the better of me.  But as per my usual M.O., I was thinking I had a little more than a snowball's chance in hell of actually hearing from Joey, or having Rebecca pick me to read.

Our seats were right by the stage, and as I looked around the auditorium filled with people, I was wondering how many of them desperately needed to hear from a loved one as well.

And how many of them would walk away disappointed.

Rebecca began the show by asking the audience to close their eyes and do some deep breathing.  She asked us to imagine a white light that, with each breath, was entering our bodies.  As it moved in and down, it was taking the stress of the day away as well as any fear or doubt we might have about this experience.

Before she began the readings, she asked us to remember that we wouldn't all get read.  There were about 1,000 people in the theater, each inevitably with more than one spirit trying to get in contact with them.

With that she began the show.  I was surprised by her methods.  I thought she would zero in on people, but instead she gave more of a general description and then people would shout out if that fit their loved one.  Through a series of questions and answers, she would determine if this was a person's loved one and what their message was.  It was all much more general than I had expected.

For two hours the show went on as she "read" clusters of people around the auditorium.  The clusters came from spirits "piggybacking" on each other if you will. 

She was finally on our side of the auditorium, reading the group of people behind us.  This was it - by the mere process, she had to hear Joey too, because she was so close.  Sitting next to Hubby and me was a woman we know who lost her young husband very suddenly two months before Joey died.  Oddly enough, even though I didn't know him well, I had a very vivid dream one time that he and Joey were together, laughing and having fun.  His name begins with J as well.  Surely he would help Joey get through.

Rebecca finished with the people behind us, and then said she was getting a name that began with J.  My heart jumped into my throat, as I'm sure J's wife's did as well.

But then she said a different name and description, and she was off to the other side of the auditorium again.

And all too soon, the night, and the readings, were over.

I felt sad and crestfallen, but not surprised.  Hubby and I discussed the show the whole way home.  Rebecca gave a lot of general descriptions, made a lot of general assumptions, and people grasped at straws to make those descriptions fit.  J's wife even said this show didn't have the "wow" factor that her spring show had.

Toward the end, Rebecca had said something about a dentist (Hubby is a DDS, although that is not his specialty), something about the number 23 (Hubby's and Baby E's birthdays fall on the 23), something about the letters JR (Joey's middle name begins with R), something about a Make-A-Wish trip (although she surmised it had not been taken, and we went on Joey's), and something that was in someone's purse (I had Joey's beloved stuffed cat, Stripey Kitten, in my purse) that turned out to be ashes.

Some of these signs were left open-ended, and I am left to wonder.  I could have raised my hand.  I could have made them fit.  But not one child spirit came to her; well, one did, but he was a baby, part of a group of spirits.

The question I'm left with now is: do I believe? 

My answer isn't as clear as it has been.  The way it was done last night...no, I don't believe.  While there were a few amazing connections, most of it was just assumption and vague generality.  As Hubby pointed out, she had the ability to look at someone and say, for example, do you have a tattoo of such and such or do you ride motorcycles or hunt?  She could see tattoos and make stereotyped assumptions based on a person's look.  The skeptic in me thinks this might have been the case at times.

But the believer in me still wants to do a private or semi-private reading.  Because, yes, I do believe. 

I want to believe.

I need to believe.

I need to believe that my dear precious Joey is more than a dead body rotting in a grave.  I need to believe that there is a meeting place, an afterlife, somewhere that I can join him again.

I need to believe that he hasn't really left us; that perhaps, if I try hard enough, I can still feel his warm, soft hugs and be inspired by his wonderful laugh and vivacious nature.

I just want to know if I can believe.

She also said at one point that even if we didn't get read, something drew us there last night.  Our loved ones wanted us to be there.  That struck a chord in me as I thought about my 444 experience the previous day.

She also talked a lot about the circle of life, as many people were either pregnant or had babies after their loved ones were gone.  And I thought of sweet Baby E, who is showing that he has more than a bit of Joey's vivacious, happy nature.

She was on a local radio station yesterday morning, so this morning I frantically searched the stations for her again, hoping to call in as a last-ditch effort, but I had no luck.

I guess now, I need to put my name on her 3-year wait list and start saving anywhere from $275 to $500 for a private reading.  Or perhaps convince ten of my friends to divvy up the $4,500 fee for a group reading.

Or maybe, I can do as she suggests and just open my heart and mind and ask my spirit guides to bring Joey to me in my dreams and look for him in my daily encounters.

But is that enough for me?  I guess time will tell.


Do you believe in spirits?  Have you ever consulted a psychic or had a reading?  Did you think it was accurate?