My friends, I abandoned you last week. In truth, I abandoned myself. For about a week and a half, I was in a hole, a hole I find myself falling into a lot.
It's the hole of depression and negative self-talk. The hole of "Nothing will change" and "Who cares" and "I don't give a shit anyway." I've been in it before.
And sadly, I will be in it again.
Monday was the crapiversary of Joey's cancer diagnosis. A day not significant to anyone else, but a day that looms on the calendar for us. A day that signaled the end of a life that I had known and thought I would live out. A day that changed everything.
My poor family now has to deal with me, with my depression, with my "I don't give a shit anyway" attitude.
And that's really not fair.
Hubby and I went away last weekend - just a short two and a half day trip - but it was good to get away. I needed to get away from the little boys who were tired of me yelling about how tired I was of yelling at them.
I always gain perspective when I travel. It's like a mini fresh start. An opportunity to see how different things could be if just one choice in our lives had been different.
And then, seeing the reality of what our lives really is.
It is what it is. Joey is gone. My boys are naughty a lot. I'm depressed a lot. Bad things have happened to us and we can't change them.
But, we can change our attitudes and what choices we make.
I sat in mass two Sundays ago as this round's descent into depression began and looked around at all the young couples with kids our kids' ages. Seeing the thin moms with tiny babies and the happy, hopeful looks the couples exchanged.
That was us once. That was all I wanted once. I thought it was a guarantee when I had it. But, nothing in life is guaranteed, and, well, that sucks.
I know I dig my own hole. I know that I feed off my own depression. Instead of kicking it to the curb with exercise and healthy food and quality time with those I love, I feed it with negative talk and solitude and icky food.
I want to be healthy for my family - in every way: physically, emotionally, mentally. I just really need to get over myself.
As Hubby said to me on our trip, "I know you get depressed. I know you are grieving. I wish I knew how to help you, but you don't even know how to help yourself. And that's okay. As long as you communicate, it's okay." (Yeah, he's a pretty great guy, and I'm lucky.)
I read a post from Mommy OM called "7 Ways to Live a Long and Healthy Life." Such beautiful and simple tips - you should check them out. I'm going to stop being so rigid about getting healthy and just follow those 7 simple steps.
I'm not sure if My Fitness Pal is for me. I'm so anal it makes my head hurt. I haven't used it for over a week. I may start again, I may not. I'll let you know. Those who are following me will see.
I also found a basic workout plan that incorporates three days of cardio with three days of toning. I think I'm going to give it a try, too.
Both of these will be pinned to the Tuesday Truth Pinterest board - hope you're following it for ideas. And if you're a blogger who writes about fitness and healthy lifestyle and you want to pin to the board, message me on Facebook and I'll send you an invite to pin to the board.
Today I weigh 149. Going up, not down.
But I think I'm finally getting over myself, and I'm ready to get back to the journey again.