The Best Laid (Birth) Plans

Having a baby is both an exciting and scary event, one that is met with great anticipation and planning. But it's those plans that can sometimes lead us to falsely believe that everything will go our way, when in reality there's nothing fail safe about childbirth.

When I was pregnant with my first babies, I had lots of plans - I wanted to take a Lamaze class, I wanted to have a baby shower, and I wanted to decorate the nursery. But at twenty weeks, I found out I was in preterm labor and had to spend the rest of my pregnancy on bed rest. I was having twins, and I did NOT under any circumstances want to have a C-section. Somehow the idea of birthing two humans out of a tiny hole in my body sounded better than having someone cut me open while I WAS STILL AWAKE!

Hubby wanted to plan a C-section. He assumed I couldn't have the twins without one, and he wanted to clear his schedule. Well, the babies had other plans because as soon as the doctor took away the last medication keeping me pregnant, I went into labor. Luckily, Hubby was off that day anyway, and luckily both babies were head down. Joey was born first; but then true to his pokey nature, Slim decided to stretch out in his newly expanded home and chill for a while. After careful monitoring, no ice chips just in case, and three hours and two minutes, he decided to finally make his appearance. No C-section needed.

I have to say that I feel very lucky to have had five pretty easy births. I always worried about certain things - having a C-section for one - and always had the plan that I would have pain medication; but other than that, I trusted that my doctor would do all she could for me to make everything go as smoothly as possible.

Unfortunately, not all women have that luxury. We all know someone - or maybe ARE someone - that had to have an emergency C-section because things were just not progressing or the baby was in distress or the mother's health was in danger.

Our new home is right across from the hospital where I delivered Edgie. I love this hospital system. Four of my five babies were born there, and all of our doctors are affiliated with this system. The children's hospital that took care of Joey through his cancer is also affiliated with this system. Right now, they have a campaign going where they have people holding signs "thanking" their doctors - for catching their cancer, for saving their life, or improving their health. I didn't really think much about those billboards until I saw this one:

"Wow," I said to Hubby as we were driving home one night, "that really gives women a false sense of what happens during childbirth." The more I thought about it, the more it irritated me. The idea that you can take your birth plan to someone and they will make it work out just amazingly for you is, well, false advertising. Is it not?

Here is what I want women to know about birth plans:

Yes, do have a birth plan . . . 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing how you'd like your delivery to go and being prepared for it. In fact, you should spend time thinking about the big day and planning for it.

 . . .but keep an open mind about it. 

Listen, we've all heard stories about how childbirth can go terribly wrong (GAH  - remember that old ER episode when the mom had eclampsia?). Even the healthiest mom with the best pregnancy can experience problems. That's the beauty of nature. You never know. Sure, women have been birthing babies for millions of years. But, women and babies die, too. It's a fact. Nothing is a sure thing.

Choose a doctor/midwife/doula/health care system that you trust.

Sometimes you are limited by finances or insurance. Then get someone in there with you that you do trust - maybe even someone who has had a baby - to help you make tough decisions during what will be a blurry and emotional time.

Read about and talk to lots of women about different birth scenarios. 

Know what is for you and what's not for you. If you think you can go drug-free, try it. But be prepared. I used to watch this show called Birth Day. It was all about high-risk pregnancies. Many of the women were sure they could have a drug free birth, and honestly? Most ended up giving in and getting the drugs. On the other hand, talk to my sister who birthed all of hers with no drugs, including her last who was 10 pounds.  Know that just because it worked out for someone else, it may not work out for you.

DO NOT feel like a failure if your plan doesn't go how you thought it would.

I cannot stress this enough. Just because you pushed for 24 hours and ended up with a c-section does not mean you failed. Just because you were sure you could do it drug-free and you ended up begging for an epidural doesn't mean you gave up. I didn't have time for an epidural with my third, and I must say IT HURTS!!! But you can do it. Or maybe not. You don't know because you haven't done it yet. For your next baby, you will know more about what to expect. I knew that if I didn't have time for an epidural with Babies 4 and 5, I would be okay.

Along the same lines, just because YOU had a drug-free water birth standing on your head at home with no one but your Hubby and a doula present doesn't make you superior to any other mama, either. Every woman is capable of amazing things. They just might be different amazing things than what you can do. If my own journey through motherhood is any indication (infertility, bed rest, birth defects, twins, all boys, cancer, the death of a child), you don't even know what amazing things you can do until you are in the thick of them.

In conclusion, go ahead and be excited about your upcoming delivery and make a plan. It could go just as you want it to. But keep in mind that during your delivery anything can happen. After all, that little baby is just preparing you for her childhood where any and everything WILL happen.



If you want to read an excellent resource on pregnancy, check out It's Really 10 Months: Delivering the Truth About the Glow of Pregnancy and Other Blatant Lies by Natalie Guenther, Kim Schenkelberg, and Celeste Snodgrass. All friends who were pregnant at the same time, the authors took the emails they wrote to each other about pregnancy questions, fears, humorous observations, and experiences and turned them into a book that is a Mom's Choice award-winner. They are releasing a second book all about birth stories around Labor Day 2015. I can't wait! Check out their website and blog of the same name where no female issue is off limits.


If you are a mom, did you have a birth plan? How did it work out for you? 


This post contains an affiliate link. I will make some change if you purchase something after clicking it. 

I wish The Stork would have been there for me

Hubby and I got married when we were 31. All of our siblings had families, and we were surrounded by dozens of nieces and nephews. One of us was really anxious to start having lots of babies right away. Since the other one wanted to wait a while, we compromised and waited about six months before trying. 

Six months turned into a year filled with so many pregnancy tests I lost count, sex that felt more like a chore than a pleasure, misguided advice from my primary care doctor, pointless temperature taking (it was always the same), and a devastating miscarriage. 

The worst thing was probably the whole year's worth of questions and comments: Why haven't you guys had a baby yet? We thought you'd be pregnant by now. You'd better hurry up and start having babies if you want to keep up with your husband's family. Aren't you guys planning on having a family?

I was so ashamed to admit that we had been trying, but it wasn't working. Since nothing was found to be wrong with my husband or his ability to produce sperm, I felt like it was all my fault. I felt broken, and I didn't feel like there was anything I could do about it or anyone I could talk to.

On the same day that I visited one of my best friends and her new baby in the hospital, Hubby and I had our first fertility appointment. Five months and thousands of dollars later, we were pregnant with twins. It took me years to finally admit that we experienced problems. 

Today, with the popularity of blogs focusing on fertility, we know that there is no shame in admitting that a couple is experiencing fertility issues. In fact, a CDC study found 10.9% (6.7 million) of women ages 15-44 have impaired ability to get pregnant or carry a pregnancy to term. 1 in 6 couples are unable to conceive after 12 months of trying (National Institutes of Health, National Institute of Child Health and Human Development). 

Every time we had an appointment with the fertility doctor, I was terrified someone would see me and know that we were struggling to get pregnant. If there would have been more home options a decade ago, I definitely would have tried them. 

I recently heard about an over the counter device that can be used as a first step for couples experiencing infertility. It is called The Stork OTC. The Stork OTC, the only conception assistance device cleared by the FDA for over-the-counter sales to consumers without a prescription, uses an established and effective conception technique—cervical cap insemination—which helps with many common fertility difficulties. With The Stork OTC, consumers finally have an easy, drug-free, economical conception aid they can use at home, without a prescription. You can watch a demo video and learn more about how it is used at www.storkotc.com.

I must disclose that I have never used this product. However, I really wish that The Stork OTC had been around when Hubby and I were trying. I can say with certainty (and not just because I am being compensated for this post) that I would have tried it. It appears to be a sensible and easy first step to use in the privacy of one's own home before heading out to seek more costly and invasive procedures at a specialist's office. It is now available online and in CVS/pharmacy stores. 

If you are on Twitter and want to learn more about The Stork OTC, come participate in a Twitter chat hosted by The Motherhood and The Stork OTC where you will also have a chance to win one of five $50 CVS Pharmacy gift cards. Join us on Thursday, January 15 at 12:00 pm EST. You can also follow The Stork OTC on Facebook. 

I am giving away a trial device to one reader. Just comment below  - it can be anything. You don't have to tell anything too personal (because believe me, I know how hard it is). Just indicate your interest in winning. I will pick a winner totally at random. Honestly, I will put all your names in a jar and have my little fertility baby - my 11 year old - pick a name. Then watch for my comment notification from Disqus. If you don't reply within 24 hours, I will pick a new winner. The product will be sent to you directly from the hosts at The Motherhood. Enter by January 22. 

Having a baby and becoming parents are wonderful experiences. Let The Stork OTC give you some help and hope when you need it. 

This post was brought to you by The Motherhood and The Stork OTC. I have not used this product, but am endorsing it as something that I would try in my opinion. 


The contest is over. The winner is Nicole Dziedzic. I wish everyone could win. Prayers and healthy thoughts to you all!!!

A Promise to My Sons

This is a repost from 2011, shortly after I found out our fifth child would be our fifth son.

I didn't want to look at the screen during my recent 18-week ultrasound.  This was the big one, the one where the doctor would check for any physical abnormalities.  I didn't want to look because, the last time I checked, my degree is NOT in prenatal medicine and I would have made things up as I looked at the grainy ultrasound images.

I also didn't want to look because I didn't want to see that telltale genitalia that I have seen four times before.  I wanted to hold out a little hope that I could have a girl...and that she would be healthy.  Instead, I searched Hubby's face as he watched the screen, watching for any telltale frowns or delighted smiles.  Instead, he had the stone cold expression of...well, a physician.

It was excruciating, as the ultrasound student went over every measurement, every area of the baby's body twice, even three times.  God love my doctor, when she came in, the first thing she said was,"The baby looks just fine."  She has delivered three of my babies and helped me with two of my miscarriages; she knows me, and I'm glad.  I guessed that the baby was a boy based on something Hubby said to Doctor, and I was right.

And I was so not surprised.

And I was a little sad and disappointed.

Hubby called me later from work and asked me how I was feeling about the news.

"I'm so relieved that the baby looks good!" I responded in an overly cheery voice.

"Not that news, the fact that it's a boy."  Damn.  He can always see right through me.

I admitted my disappointment.  I admitted that I had accepted not having any more babies, and to have to start over only to get the same thing was...disappointing.  But, as I thought more and more about it, more about how he is looking healthy, more about how my boys say the sweetest things to me and love to cuddle, I got more and more excited.

My plan for the past 18 weeks had been for a girl, and this little girl was going to make me a better mother, a better woman.  I needed her for that reason.  There are way too many things that I have slacked on in my life, in my womanhood, in my mothering.  This little girl was going to save me from being a complete failure, because, after all, I couldn't set that kind of example for her.  I couldn't eat poorly and fail to exercise, or let my appearance go to pot.  I couldn't have low self esteem and use that as an excuse for not going after my dreams or even having friends.  No, I needed to be the stellar example of health, pride, beauty, and confidence so that my daughter would grow up with those qualities as well.  After all, I have wanted to start a blog for years, and only did so after I found out I was pregnant.

So, why can't I let my sons see that?

I am a stay-at-home-mom.  They are with me more than anyone else.  They learn from me and my example more than anyone else's.  Why can't I offer the same promises to them?

There is a "repost" going around Facebook that starts out, "My promise to my kids..."  It says, in part, "I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you crazy, be your worst nightmare, embarrass you...hunt you down..." and it claims to be all in the name of love.  I've never been a "reposter,"but it did prompt me to think of my own promises to my boys:

1. I promise that I will keep myself healthy, to be a good example to you, to have the energy to play with you, and to be around to see all the important events in your lives.

2. I promise that I will not nag you, but rather teach you to take care of yourself, so that you can, and so that you know all women are not nags.

3. I promise that I will learn how to change a tire, mow the lawn, fix something mechanical so that you know that women are strong and can take care of themselves.

4. I promise that I will always kiss your boo-boos, fix your favorite food, and buy you clothes that you like so that you know that women love you in a special way that treats you like you are special.

5. I promise I will never let you hit me, push me, or talk down to me so that you learn how to treat a woman, how to treat any person.

6. I promise I will have and let you see that Daddy and I have a loving, respectful, fun relationship so that you have an example to follow in your own relationships.

7. I promise to let you try sports that may seem dangerous or instruments that are annoying because I believe in you and your talent.

8a. I promise that I will let you quit the above sports or instruments before you get too frustrated or down on yourself.

8b. I promise that I will not let you quit said sport or instrument if you are simply "having a bad day," because I know you are not a quitter.

9.  I promise to be proud of any man you grow up to be.  I may expect you to be a doctor, an astronaut, a scientist...I'll be happy for you if you love what you do, follow your passion and try your best.

10. I promise to try to like something about every girl you bring home. If you like her, there must be something good about her.

The promises are potentially endless; but in the end, I think my biggest promise should be to promise to keep my promises. Because, after all, isn't that what our children expect?

The Real "Problem" with Older Moms

It is such a problem being an older mom! Having babies after age 35 sucks. If I could give you a piece of advice, it would simply be this: don't do it! Here are reasons why~

1. Older moms are career obsessed. Why would any child want to have a positive female role model raising them? Smarts, drive, success, passion for something you love? Who wants to learn all those things by example?

2. Older moms have lots of money. Too much money, in fact, after so many childless working years. They might tend to spoil their children with all this extra money they have lying around.

3. They are too old and stiff to play on the floor with their kids. Everyone knows that younger moms make better playmates.

4. They are super uncool and so out of touch with current media and trends. You know what they said in the 1960s: "Don't trust anyone over 30!" That still applies today.

5. Not everyone can live in New York. It's true. Moms in New York are actually considered young if they are under 40, according to my friend Anna of Random Handprints. If you are planning on being an older mom, you should move to New York so you can feel young.

Okay, okay, I'm being facetious here, and I actually can't think of any other ridiculous reasons not to have a baby in your 30's and 40's.

But England can. There is a new ad campaign making a buzz today. It is a picture of a 40-something reporter dressed to look like a 70 year old pregnant mom. Take a look.

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

The purpose of this ad is to make women consider having babies at a younger age. Excuse me, what? Consider it?

I considered it a lot in my twenties and thirties. I considered it so much that it made my uterus hurt. I wanted nothing more than to be a mom. If I could have planned it the way I really wanted it, I would have been married at age 24 and popping out babies by age 25.

But that's not exactly the way it worked out for me. Or millions of other women for that matter.

I am sure that there are women who purposely delay having babies so they can build a career, make money, and feel ready. Nothing wrong with that. If everyone would wait until they are ready to have a baby, we would have a lot less issues in health care, in education, and in society in general.

On one hand, I can see the purpose of this ad. The older parents are when they conceive, the more problems they tend to have - fertility issues, miscarriages, still births, children born with birth defects, Down Syndrome, and the higher likelihood of an Autism diagnosis down the road - among other issues - all of which potentially drive up health care and education costs for the public.

From a short conversation on my Facebook page, it's clear that many women simply didn't have the luck of the draw, so to speak, to plan when they had their babies. I know I didn't. I married Hubby when we were 31, and we experienced fertility issues. I didn't plan on ever having a baby over the age of 40, but I was blessed with one.

The harder having a baby is when you're older, some would say you appreciate it more, you are more ready for the challenges of becoming a parent. Do I worry about not being around for my sons' graduations and weddings and babies? Absolutely. But there's not much I can do about that other than take care of myself and hope I'm healthy in 20 years.

Do I think older moms are better than younger moms? Depends on the person, really. My twenty year old hairdresser is probably one of the best moms I've ever talked to, confident and secure and doing everything she can for her baby.

I've known women who have gotten pregnant out of wedlock and given up their babies. I've known women who have had abortions. I've known moms who married and had babies in their early twenties, and I've known moms who have had their first baby at age 42.

And do you know what the problem is with all of these moms, not just the older ones? We allow society to make us feel guilty for our choices, whether they are ones we have consciously made or ones that were made for us by default.

Being older or younger.

Natural childbirth or drug assisted.

Breast or bottle feeding.

Co-sleeping or crying it out.

Potty training earlier or later.

Cloth or disposable diapers.

Private or public school.

Sports or academics.

And the list just goes on and on and on.

We all do the best we can. Sometimes we have all the information and sometimes we go with our gut. Sometimes we still get it wrong and sometimes we find success.

This ad didn't bother me at all. I didn't purposely choose to be an older mom. And yes, I faced infertility, miscarriages, and medical conditions with my children.

But I'm handling it, and I have the good fortune to have a partner who is handling with me.

One comment that came up over and over on the Facebook discussion was that the moms wouldn't trade all they'd been through - the loss, the problems, the pain and heartbreak that sometimes comes with being an older mom. The bottom line is that most moms see their children as blessings no matter their age or abilities or how much it took for us to get them, whether we birthed them, adopted them, or foster them.

If this ad was meant to "guilt" women into anything, I say, don't let it. Don't let guilt be a problem for moms of any age.

I think we're all doing just fine. Don't you?

For This, I Love My Mom

A mother's love is so simple.  We love our babies from the first time they are placed in our arms.  Most of us love them even before that, at the moment we find we are carrying them.  Some of us love even at the very thought of them.

But what of the mothers who are confused, saddened, or even angered at the thought of this child coming into their lives?  What of the mothers who feel nothing as they stare at their child?   My heart aches for them.  To feel confusion and anger and sadness in the face of something so natural, so beautiful, is really a tragic thing.

My heart aches because I have felt that way about one of my babies, just as my mother felt that way about me.

We all want to know our birth story.  I've heard mine a million times, and I love it.  My mother was young - 26 - and she had two children under the age of three, a boy and a girl.  She had made it through my father's deployment to Vietnam and a move across the country from Washington.  Her husband was home safely, and her family was happy and complete.  But then, she found out she was carrying another child, and she felt sad and confused.  She hadn't planned on another baby, didn't want one.  She was tired, as all mothers are, and didn't think she could handle another baby so soon.

A few months into her pregnancy, the doctor discovered a suspicious cyst on her ovary, and it had to be removed right away.

"But what about the baby?" she asked.

"Well, when the surgery is over, it will either be there or it won't," her doctor told her matter-of-factly.

And that's when she prayed like she had never prayed before.

She prayed that God would spare her baby.  She prayed for forgiveness for her angry and confused feelings.  She prayed because she wanted that baby.


That baby survived the surgery, and thrived inside her.  She would later recount how every time she turned on her old, clunky washing machine, the baby would jump and kick.  To her, that meant he was okay, and she felt joy and relief every time.

That baby was born two weeks early, weighing a mere five pounds, ten ounces, but left the hospital weighing over six pounds because she ate like a champ.

Yes, that baby she was so sure she didn't want, and was so sure would be a boy, was me.  She always ends her story by telling me how happy she is that I survived.  I like to say that I turned out the best of her three children, so it's lucky I did.

I love that my mom has always been honest about her feelings about my birth.  I love it especially now that I am a mother, and especially because I can relate to her feelings almost exactly.

When I became pregnant three months after Joey died, my first reaction was confusion.  It wasn't in my plan to have another baby.  I had given everything away.  My next reaction was fear.  Fear at all the potential defects this baby could have.  Then my feelings turned to anger.  Anger at a God that took one son away from me, only to give me another, who could potentially bring even more heartache.  I knew I wasn't strong enough to handle any more pain, so I prayed, I begged God to take the baby away.

I prayed because I was scared.

But the baby came, his birth was perfect, and he was wonderful.  And when I looked into his beautiful, dark, wide open eyes, my love was simple: I knew he was wanted.

It's ironic that Baby E looks like a perfect mix of my mom and me as babies.  I feel as though I will always have a special bond with him, just as I have a special bond with my mom.  She gave me the gifts of honesty and acceptance, and I hope to pass those on to Baby E.

My mom has given me so many parts of herself.  Some I don't really like, such as her big feet, her oily skin, her squinty eyes, her inability to accept compliments on any of her many talents, and the stubbornness that she sometimes uses to her detriment.

She has also given me some amazing parts, too, like her tiny waist (we both once had one), her skin that shows few wrinkles, the brown of her hair and the beautiful blue of her eyes that I see reflected in my sons, her humbleness, her loyalty, her acceptance, the stubbornness that keeps her moving forward, her willingness to listen without offering unsolicited advice, and her love of words and ability to spin them into music better than I will ever be able.

She has given me her love and her friendship and shown me that while a mother's love may at times be multifaceted and complex, it's simply always there.

And for this, I love my mom.

* * *

What A Mom Knows

A mom knows that you'll be her favorite

as soon as you're in her arms.

She knows all the words to your favorite book

and when to give in to your charms.

She knows how to fix a boo-boo,

a prom dress,

 a broken heart,

and she knows how hard it will be

when you will have to part.

She knows when to swarm in

and when to back down,

And she always knows the right thing to say

when all you can do is frown.

She knows all your friends

and their folks,

And knows just how much to laugh

at your made-up knock-knock jokes.

She knows how to be strong,

and when it's okay to cry,

She knows when the truth should be told,

and when it's time to lie.

She knows your outsides,

and all of your insides, too,

For every situation,

she's taught you what you should do.

To a child,

Mom knows it all,

No matter if you've grown big,

or you're still very small.

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers and especially to my very own beautiful Mom. I love you.

And Baby Makes Six...Again

A week ago today, our fifth little - unexpected - miracle was born.  And I'm in love all over again!  I must say, for all of the worrying I did leading up to his birth, it went as well as I could have hoped.

From check-in time at the hospital to Baby E's birth was three hours and three minutes long.  Not bad considering that for my first delivery, that of my twins, it was three hours and two minutes just between the delivery of Baby A and Baby B!!

I had to have my blood taken first to check those unstable platelets.  When the phlebotomist walked in, I took it as a good sign, as she was the same one who took my blood when my platelets were at their highest.  Sure enough, they were 104,000 - and I got my epidural!!

The next positive sign was when the anesthesiologist walked in.  According to Hubby, he was the same doc who gave me my last epidural, with Lil C.  Hubby and this doc have worked on cases together and, after the mutual admiration was over, he gave me a perfect epidural.  Numb, but I could still feel contractions.

Apparently, I walked into the hospital that day already 4 centimeters dilated and 80% effaced (what does that mean anyway?), so I was already well on my way.  I was just settling in to nap a bit, when both the nurse and Hubby left to eat some lunch.  I'd be fine, I said, go and eat!  This was right at noon. I was five centimeters dilated.  I figured I had a while.  Sometime in the next half hour, I started having uncomfortable back pains.  I rang for the nurse who was supposed to be checking on me, when my nurse walked back in the room.

I was at ten centimeters already! 

"You'd better call your husband, or he's going to miss this!"  (I didn't even have time to try out the birthing tub!)

Hubby walked in then, as well as two other nurses who were there to help with the "shoulder dystocia" situation.  Within three pushes, my beautiful little boy and his shoulders were out.  He weighed 8 pounds even (so, not as big as I thought) and he has dark hair, the first of my boys not in the toe-head club.

As he was placed in my waiting arms, I couldn't help but murmur a prayer of thanks for a perfect delivery.  Really, I couldn't have scripted it better.  It was exactly what I needed.

Until I looked at my new son.

His beautiful dark eyes were wide open, and he was staring right at me.  That has only happened one other time...when I held Joey for the first time.  I can't explain how it filled my heart with such a sense of gladness and relief.

You see, I have worried so much about this new baby.  Not only about potential health risks and delivery complications, but how he would fit into our family.  About how he would fit into my heart.

I feel like he is going to be an outsider.  An A.J. - "After Joey".  The rest of us are W.J. - with Joey.  He'll never have known him. He won't even have any pictures with Joey - pictures that he can look at while I tell him stories about Joey.   Even his dark hair, though I love it, makes him an outsider, as all the other boys have always had blond hair.

I worried, too, about how the other boys would react to him.  Joey was always the one who payed the most attention to his new baby brothers when they first came home.  He always wanted to play with them and hold them.  He would try so hard to make them laugh, or bring them toys when they were fussy.  None of the other boys have really paid that much attention, and I feared they wouldn't now.

But, true to Joey's example, all of the boys, even Lil C, have really stepped up and paid Baby E the perfect amount of attention.  From saying how cute he is, to talking gently to him, from reading him books and bringing his pacifier, I couldn't be more satisfied with how they have welcomed him.

Which makes me wonder...is Joey now the outsider?  Will we only ever be a family of six, or are we really a family of seven?  Anytime someone would ask me if I knew the gender of my baby and if I had any other children, I would always say, "It's our fifth boy."  Because he is.  Sometimes I would continue the story and tell about Joey's death, but more often than not, if the person asking was a total stranger, I just let them believe that I would have five boys at home. 

Because in my heart, I always will.

And Baby E, well, I shouldn't have worried about him at all, because he is already fitting into my heart, and our family, just fine.

6 Non-Traditional Ways to Have a Baby

As I opened my daily Parenting.com newsletter today, the headline screamed at me, "Is Natural Childbirth For you?"

Well, as I learned yesterday, it might have to be!

As I prepare to deliver my fifth baby boy next Thursday, there is a possibility that I may not be able to receive that highly coveted epidural as I did with my other deliveries. You see, I have pregnancy-induced thrombocytopenia. This is when, only due to pregnancy, the blood platelet count is very low, putting me at excessive bleeding risk during delivery. Although there is some discrepancy at the cut-off point, at the hospital where I will deliver, epidurals are not given to women whose platelets are below 90,000; some anesthesiologists even consider 100,000 the cut-off point.

Mine are hovering at 95,000. Yikes!

I pretty much gave birth to Baby #3 Au naturale due to the fact that he came so fast, so I have an idea of how it might feel; but I do know this . . . it wasn't pleasant! It was much more pleasant to feel in control of the pain and of myself, and to not feel scared of what was happening. I know many women who have chosen natural childbirth would disagree, but the thought of birthing an 8-plus pound baby without pain control, when all my other babes have been much smaller, is truly anxiety inducing! So I set out to explore Web M.D. to see what some of my other options might be.

Everyone I know has given birth in a hospital, either with or without an epidural, and some by c-section, whether for emergency reasons or not. No one I know has chosen a home birth, which is only recommended for women with extremely low-risk pregnancies, healthy babies, and a strong support system. My friend was born at home in 1969, only because she was her mother's fourth baby and came so fast during a snowstorm that there wasn't time to make it to the hospital. 

Many women these days are choosing birthing centers, which are staffed by certified nurse midwives, and also recommended for low-risk pregnancies and healthy babies. This is as close to a home birth as one can get, as there are no pain meds or epidurals offered, and usually the mom and baby go home right away.

There are also hospital birthing centers for women who just aren't sure if they can make it through without intervention. Midwives are available, but high tech-medical care is also nearby.

None of these would be an option for me. Being 41 years old automatically puts me in the high-risk category, as do my gestational diabetes and thrombocytopenia. So heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to the hospital I go. To ease my labor, though, my hospital does offer some of the latest techniques in pain control.

I always thought a water birth sounded like a very trippy idea; but the more I read about it, the more appealing it sounds. It is said to soothe and relax the mother and reduce her pain. Advocates of this type of birth say it is better for the baby to enter the world in a similar "womb-like" environment from whence he came, lessening birth trauma and experiencing a more pleasant start to life. Water birth babies are also known to have a lower rate of complications.

There is the silent birth that Scientologists Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise chose, the basis of which is that the mother, by going silently and deeply inside herself, is able to handle the pain of her own labor.  Ummm, yeah . . . not for me. I might need to yell at someone.

An acquaintance of mine, who also has had thrombocytopenia, has used the Hypnobirth method.  This method uses a series of self-hypnosis techniques in order to control pain. Her father, a psychologist, taught her the methods which worked well for her, although they don't work for everyone. Plus, they need to be learned and practiced months in advance.

It's kind of late for me to be using some of these, but at least I know there will be a variety of other options I can try next Thursday, from good ole relaxation and breathing techniques the nurses are sure to know, to position changes such as squatting or being on hands and knees, or bouncing on a birth ball, which actually may feel good.

With as much anxiety as I have about the birth of this fifth little boy of mine, I am trying to keep an open mind, for there are two things of which I am sure about all labors - they can be and usually are a little unpredictable, and the baby is going to get here one way or another!

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Pregnant at 40~It's Not So Bad...Is It?

Pregnant at 40 (well, actually 41, but I've decided I'm sticking at 40) was something I never planned to be. Since I didn't get married until I was 31 and I wanted four children, my plan was to have them at 32, 34, 36, and 38, well before what I considered to be the scary age of 40.

Scary for a lot of reasons. Foremost, there's the obvious chromosomal abnormality risk. At age 40, the risk of having a baby with Down syndrome is 1 in 110 (mine was listed as 1 in 71). My risk of having a baby with other chromosomal abnormalities, such as Trisomy 13 and 18 was listed as 1 in 135. Women in their forties are twice as likely as women in their twenties to develop problems such as high blood pressure and gestational diabetes. In fact, children of older mothers are themselves at increased risk for type 1 diabetes and high blood pressure. There's a higher incidence of placental problems and birth complications. Babies born to older mothers are more likely to be premature, have low birth weight or even be stillborn. The dad's advanced age can have an effect on genetics as well and carries a higher risk for some disorders such as autism and schizophrenia.

Yikes!

But, I had it licked! I had my four babies well before I was 40. I got two for the price of...well, apparently a really nice fishing boat, according to Hubby. Then another unplanned one right away. And then another one that actually worked out according to plan! And I was only 37!  I even had time for another one!!!

Funny story . . . Hubby gave me a beautiful Mother's ring after Baby #4. My darling Joey proudly handed it to me while I was holding Lil' C in the hospital. Instead of gushing over it and saying thank you I said, "Does this mean we're done?!" Hubby and I apparently had different ideas.  Then Joey's illness came and derailed any plans I had for another baby. 

Just as I had begun to come to terms with the "baby-making" phase of my life being over, I found myself p.g. again. And here I am, about to have a baby in three weeks. And yes, I am 41. And yes, I am scared.

For so many reasons...

When I learned I was pregnant, I honestly just assumed I'd have a miscarriage. I have had three in the past and after all, the rate of miscarriage for the 40-44 year-old age group is 34% (versus 10% for a woman in her twenties). But, early ultrasounds showed a strong heartbeat and a cute little fetus.

My thoughts then immediately turned to Down syndrome. I would be 41 when I delivered, the same age as my sister-in-law when she had her son, who was born with DS. Seeing their struggles with him, not knowing if he would even make it through some of his initial surgeries, and knowing what we had just been through battling cancer with Joey, it terrified me.  I didn't feel strong enough to handle that. We chose not to undergo amniocentesis - the only definitive diagnosis - because the risk of miscarriage from the procedure is one in 300. I would feel horrible if I was that one and miscarried a child just because I had to find out if he had a condition that neither potentially threatened his life nor mine, nor would I abort him if I found out that he did in fact have Down syndrome.

I do have gestational diabetes for the second time. And unlike the first time, I'm having trouble controlling it by simple dietary changes. I am on medication to stabilize my blood sugar; but in spite of that there's a lot of fluid around the baby, and he keeps growing larger! That fact knocks out the potential low birth weight, but the birth complications factor back in. I had twins with no c-section - I don't want one now!!

My doctor did discuss with me the potential risk of still birth which scares the HELL out of me, and of course I worry that I will pass diabetes on to this baby. Or that he will have autism.  Or he will have Down syndrome. And don't even get me started on the cancer thing!

Oh, and then there's the weight thing.  I have only gained 20 pounds, not bad but I did have an extra ten pounds on me when I got pregnant (mourning weight). So not only do I have baby weight to lose, I have that extra ten pounds, and I'm over 40.

The fact is, I never worried all that much with my other pregnancies - well, maybe more with my twins than the other two. But I always had that sixth sense that everything would be okay. As I waddle my way toward my due date, I don't have that sense with this baby. I have quite the opposite.  From the very beginning of this pregnancy I have been waiting for something to be wrong.  Just because I think there has to be.

BUT . . . initial tests - neck measurements, blood tests, ultrasounds - each lowered the risk the baby had for Down syndrome to about 1%, or the same as a woman in her twenties. My doctor assures me that she does not see any of the telltale characteristics of a baby with a chromosomal abnormality. The fact that he is a little bigger is a good sign, too. 

Also, the baby is a kicker! None of my other boys really kicked. They just squirmed around a lot.  This one kicks and kicks hard! And I love it! It's somehow reassuring. I treasure every movement.

I also have a wonderful support system in my friends. By the time I finally got pregnant with my twins, I had pretty much isolated myself from everyone, being so distraught over the whole infertility thing. Many of my high school and college friends lived out of town anyway. With my second pregnancy, I was on Long Island with only one close friend; and with my third, I was back home, but feeling isolated through no fault of my own.

Admittedly, I have reconnected with a lot of people through Facebook, and Joey's cancer journey certainly brought people - new friends and old - out of the woodwork. But because my boys are in school now and in activities, I am out and about more and seeing people and connecting every day. I have received nothing but well wishes, love, and encouragement. I even had a shower thrown in my honor despite the fact that this is my fifth boy. And I won't lie when I say I can't hear, "You are the cutest pregnant lady," enough!

Sure, I had plans to start a second career, get more involved in the boys' schools, maybe train for a race, or at least get in the best shape of my life. Sure by the time this kid graduates from college I will be well into my sixties and looking more like his grandmother than his mother, and I may not even live to see his wedding or the birth of his kids.

 But I need to relax, because worries or no worries, bad or not, I'm having a baby in three weeks and two days!!!!  And as far as I'm concerned, that's never a bad thing.  :)

Photo by Unsplash

The Return of Sumo Mom

Jose Gil/Dreamstime

I was in la-la land after I had my first two babies, who were twins. I had quit my job coordinating a master's degree program for teachers at the university to stay home with my boys. I had nothing to do all day but bask in total baby love times two.

Well, not nothing.

There were two babies to feed, pumping to do (for my son with the cleft lip and palate who needed to be bottle fed), bottles to be washed and prepared, laundry, grocery shopping and meals for my husband, who because of his residency, I barely saw. I had to get in tummy time and stories and cuddling for both boys. And naps for me. Very important naps.

Really, not a very difficult lifestyle for a new mom. Really. I was basking in it. After years of dreaming of babies and months of fertility treatments and bed rest, they were finally here; and I was loving it.

Most of the time.

They were born in December, and I live in the Midwest; so we didn't get out much at first. As soon as we could get out (and I figured out how my double stroller worked), I found lots of excuses to do so.  They mostly involved trips to Target, which was about five minutes away. We needed diapers, or I needed nursing pads, or the boys needed new onesies. I would finally get a shower, make myself look presentable, and dress the boys in cute little outfits (NEVER matching because after all, they were fraternal twins who looked completely different.  Plus I think dressing twins exactly alike is wrong, just totally wrong . . . and a little creepy). Once at Target, I would stroll around as long as the boys were happy. Long enough to pump my ego.

I would inevitably run into the "twin gawkers" who would 'ooh' and 'ahh' over the babies and marvel at how I had them out and about at such a young age. I would get questions about my son's unrepaired lip; and then they were really impressed I was handling twins, plus a child with a birth defect.

Then there were the other new moms. I would see these frazzled moms in sweatpants and ponytails with no makeup, pushing a single stroller. They would stop me and say, "You have two? I barely made it out of the house with one! AND I haven't showered in two days!" I'd smile sweetly and walk away feeling smug that I could do it all! Yes, it was my affirmation that I had this mom-thing in the bag!

Fast forward seven years - and two more babies later PLUS a terminal illness AND an unexpected pregnancy . . .

I'm a mess!

I am so tired with this pregnancy I can hardly stand it! I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning to get my seven year old ready for school and his carpool which arrives at 7:35 a.m. If I don't get up at 6:00 a.m. to shower, it really doesn't get done because my five- and three-year-olds are busy and NEEDY! More often than not I am seen in public these days with my hair in a ponytail and wearing yoga pants. My boys are mobile now and they touch everything! Trips to Target these days are not pleasant strolls. They are get in, get out, and get on with it! I receive more dirty looks than admiring compliments and gone is the smug feeling that I am better than any other mom.

After my son died, I went through a period of feeling really bad about myself and my mothering.  I was depressed and pregnant at 40 and too tired to get off the couch most days. I was falling asleep on the couch at night and forgetting to make my son's lunch for school or making sure he had a clean white uniform shirt to wear. I often thought, 'I am failing my sons.'  

What I now know is that I am the same as other moms. There are things which we can all handle and handle well. Then there are the times in life, the situations or events that drag us down, that seem like too much, that make us so crazy we think we will implode. It happens to us all (although we all know women who would never admit that in a million years). The bottom line is that we all do what we can do just to get through the day sometimes, and sometimes we go above and beyond like supermom because we can . . . and it all balances out. 

And our kids get the gift of seeing us as human.

When my twins were little and just walking  running, they loved to play "chase." This would consist of Hubby or me simply chasing them up and down the hall while they would giggle uncontrollably. When they were about 18 months old, and I was 8 months pregnant with my third, I could not run to save my life. So I became "Sumo Mom." I would squat like a sumo wrestler and lumber along after them making sumo wrestler noises. They loved this new addition to our game!

At 7, 5, and 3, they still love to play chase, and I find that I am Sumo Mom once again. 

Difficult and unexpected things happen in life. It's good to show our children how we handle them, even if it's not in the best way. But what a bonus it is for them when we can make the best of it with humor and love!

image by Jose Gil/dreamstime

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Life is What Happens

...while you're busy making other plans.

Ever since I was young, one of my biggest plans was to meet my prince, fall madly in love and marry, then have at least half a dozen babies.  I'd have my own Brady Bunch, complete with a set of boy/girl twins.  We'd all live happily in a big house, get along great, and enjoy huge family holidays with lots of grandkids and pets.

Well, some of that went according to plan...

It took me about 28 years to finally meet the frog that would be my prince.  I say frog, not as an insult, but my prince was disguised as someone I had known since second grade.  We married at age 31, and after some debate over how long we would wait until we started "trying," we realized that starting our "bunch" was not going to be a piece of cake.  Fourteen months, one miscarriage, and two rounds of Clomid later, we found ourselves seeking the help of a fertility doctor.  My plan was not moving along accordingly, so I found someone to help it along.

Four months later, we were pregnant with twins...two boys.  I was so thrilled to finally be pregnant!  I couldn't wait to buy maternity clothes and have baby showers and listen to friends and strangers in stores gush about my pregnancy.

That plan changed, too.  At twenty weeks, I found out I was in preterm labor and would have to spend the remainder of my pregnancy on bed rest.

Oh, and there was something wrong with one of the babies, too.

After fourteen and a half weeks sitting virtually alone in my house (thankfully not the hospital), our twins were born three hours and two minutes apart (so not in the plan either!).  Baby "B," Slim, had a bilateral cleft lip and palate, that, while a challenge initially and something we will be dealing with the majority of his life, proved to be totally fixable and certainly not life-threatening.

My next plan included play dates with my friends and Gymboree classes and Kindermusik.

Then Hubby threw a wrench in that one by deciding it would be in his best interest to transfer residency programs and move us to New York.  The babies were seven months old.  It scared me on so many levels that went far beyond 9/11.

We were to be there only two years, and that part went as planned.  I thought, even though two years was a long time to wait to have another baby (I had to get my half dozen and I was 34 and infertile after all), we would try again at the end of the residency and return home pregnant.

And then, surprise!  I got pregnant with another boy when the twins were eleven months old!  So there I was in New York with three babies under the age of two, "schlepping" them all over Long Island to Slim's plastic surgeon and ENT appointments.

We returned home to the Midwest after our two years out East, bought a beautiful home, had another miscarriage, and added another baby boy to our bunch.  We were 37 with four little boys under the age of four. Hubby was done; I was not.

Then in April of 2009, something happened that no one ever has in her plans.  One of our precious sons was diagnosed with a terminal illness.

Sometime during his 14 month illness, my plan changed, my mind was changed for me.  I would have to accept the fact that I would only have three sons, no daughters, and not six children as I had planned.

I suffered another miscarriage during this time, and while the two others had left me crying for days, I was confused about how I felt about this one.  I desperately wanted another child, but what if having a new baby and our son's illness were too much for us to handle? I accepted it as the door closing on the "baby" chapter in my life and moved on to a new plan.

I gave away and sold almost all of my baby items and maternity clothes as I turned forty last spring.  Forty was always my cut-off age -- no babies after forty.  Too risky, and after what we had been through with our son, I couldn't handle any more heartache.  No, my "babies" were all entering school, I was going to start writing with my extra free time, and Hubby and I were planning a trip to Hawaii for our ten year anniversary.

Well, guess what?

Yes, I am due in June with our fifth child, and I am scared to death.  I am scared it will have a chromosomal abnormality or some other birth defect that I am not equipped to handle. I am scared it will be fine and then one day someone will tell us it has some awful condition just like our other son.  I am scared Hubby and I will never get to Hawaii.  I am scared it will be a girl, and I will have no idea how to raise her.  I am scared it will be another boy!

The "plan" is for my big ultrasound to take place next week.  I know some of these fears will be addressed, and I will be able to plan at least the nursery colors.  What I also know, what I have slowly learned in my forty years is that it's okay to make a plan, but also plan for it not to work out precisely as you'd envisioned.  I can sit here and wish for the daughter I've always wanted or a super good baby that could travel to Hawaii with us anyway, but all I really want is a healthy baby that grows and develops normally.

That's the plan anyway . . .

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