Saturday

So Says the Sayer

Okay, so I admit that I have been to a fortune teller.  Maybe I believe, just a little bit, that maybe some people have that "sixth sense" to see into the future or to peer into a person's past.  I've always been a bit intrigued, so when I saw my opportunity to speak to a fortune teller, I took it.

There was just one question I wanted to ask...Would I ever get married?  I was in my late 20's with no prospects...I thought asking the question couldn't hurt.

I got my answer.  "Yes," she told me quickly, followed by, "and you'll have three kids. You'll be fine."

I walked away...pissed off!  I did not ask her how many kids I would have!  I already knew how many kids I was going to have!  I was going to have at least four - that was the plan!  Who was she to tell me I was only going to have three kids?!  Of course she was going to tell me I'd get married, but was three just a number she pulled out of the air?

After I got married and started trying for all these children, the fortune teller's words always haunted me.  As we suffered infertility and miscarriages, I wondered if maybe she did know something after all.

After Knox was born, and we had our second miscarriage, I figured that we were done.  After all, he was probably just a fluke after the fertility treatments anyway.  But, nonetheless, I wanted that fourth baby.

And when we welcomed Lil C, I knew that I had proved that fortune teller wrong!

Until Joey died from cancer, that is... Oh crap, maybe she was right!

Then, something else that she had said began to haunt me. "You'll be fine."

Wait a minute...had she said, "You'll be fine." or "You'll be fine."?  I couldn't remember on which word she had placed the emphasis.

Over the years, especially the last three, the emphasis in my head was decidedly placed on the "you'll" part of the sentence.  In fact, every time I think about it, the emphasis is more...well, emphasized.

"YOU'LL be fine, but no one else in your family will be." Read: "YOU will be okay, but your family members will suffer illness and death."

After Joey died, and I turned 40, we were done with kids.  We only had three.  So there it was...until Baby E was born.

But how could that be?  We weren't trying for him.  So what is going to happen now?  Who is going to leave my family now?  Which of my sons will be the next to get sick or get into some freak accident?

This is what learning my fortune has made me think.  In the past month, I have had several mini panic attacks mostly centered around Baby E.  I get this overwhelming feeling that something is going to happen to him or something will be wrong with him.

I tell myself I'm just being silly.   I have never worried this much with the other boys; no more than any other normal, sane new mom.

But I'm not really just another normal, sane new mom, am I?

I wonder if maybe these paranoid feelings come from the fact that I haven't taken my Lexapro in several weeks.  I'm not purposely trying to not take it; I just keep forgetting (heck, I'm lucky if I can remember to put on deodorant most days!).

And I wonder too - well mostly - if it isn't because of what happened to Joey.  I'm always and forever going to be more paranoid that something will happen to one of my children because of Joey.  It certainly doesn' help that Baby E is an extremely fussy and high maintenance baby, much like Joey was.  So I wonder, "could Baby E have some underlying illness, too?"

I can't allow myself to be haunted by the words of some woman who showed up to a convention center and charged money to tell people what they wanted to hear (and some stuff they didn't).

That doesn't mean I'm going to forget about it.

But I'm going to try not to obsess about it.  I might miss something good if I do...
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