But little people like to rise early, so the sleep that once took me until 10:00 a.m. on a Saturday no longer happens. I can't even sleep that late when Hubby and I go away together and are in a quiet, dark hotel room.
Those Littles have screwed up my internal clock for good.
Now it seems that my problem definitely is staying up too late and not getting up early enough to get anything done - namely showering. I always seem to be trying to squeeze one in during the day sometime. But since I have a five-year-old at home with me for part of the day and a one-year-old home with me all day, timing a shower can be tricky business.
I'm not an in and out shower-er. Sometimes I can get clean pretty quickly; but more often than not, it's been so long since I've showered that I need to perform a really thorough clean.
And this is the tricky part, because while I am doing that, the little ones get into all kinds of mischief. I make them follow me up to the bathroom with a toy or a game because I want to be able to keep my eye on them while I am in the shower (and they can keep their eyes on me since we have a glass shower door), but somehow they never end up playing with said toys or games.
So I hop into the warm shower and stand in the stream letting it warm my skin. I just get a good lather going in my hair when -
"Mommy!? Will you wipe my bottom?"
For Pete's sake, didn't he see me get in the shower?
"Hey, Bud, you'll either have to wipe your own bottom or wait until Mommy's out of the shower."
"I'll just wait."
Of course. And I used way too much shampoo, and I can't rinse it out fast enough.
In the meantime, the one year old is dropping the snacks from his bowl one by one into the tub.
"Let's leave the snacks in the bowl, okay Baby E?"
The little shit looks right at me, smiles, and dumps the whole bowl into the tub.
Add that to my list of things to do during nap time.
"Are you done showering yet mom?" Yes, the five-year-old is still waiting on the toilet.
"Can't you just wipe your own bottom? There's hardly ever anything there anyway."
"Ew, no, Mom, I want you to."
I soap up my body and figure I'll exfoliate my feet some other time. My heels don't look that bad, do they? A little lotion and they'll be decent enough for flip flops, right?
"Okay, well I'm trying to hurry."
The one-year-old crawls in the tub and starts jumping on the crackers. They crunch easily since he has his shoes on (he has to have his shoes on first thing in the morning or he will follow me around repeating, "Shoes? Shoes?").
"No, Baby E, get out of the tub. You're going to fall and hurt yourself!" (I figure he doesn't care about the crackers anyway.)
Maniacal laughter and more jumping.
"MOM!? Are you done YET? I need you to wipe my bottom!"
I don't really need to shave my other leg, do I? Maybe I'll just shave a fourth of the way up since I'm wearing capris today anyway.
"Baby E, what are you doing with my phone? Baby E, put my phone back on the counter." Damn, I thought I pushed it far enough back so he couldn't reach it. And why can't I seem to get this one long hair by my ankle bone? Is that a mutant hair made of steel or what?
And the phone goes in on top of the crackers.
"MOM!? I'm missing Scooby-Doo! Wipe. My. Bottom!"
"I AM ALMOST DONE! CAN'T YOU JUST WIPE IT YOURSELF?!?!?"
The toilet flushes. Finally, the kid caught on.
"Mom! I flushed my poop because it was getting really stinky."
I run the conditioner quickly through my hair and let the 562 stray hairs flush toward the drain. "Okay. One more minute."
"Baby E, get out of my makeup bag. Put Mommy's makeup bag back on the counter. Okay, put the cap back on that eyeliner."
Crap, is there no dry towel in this entire bathroom?
"Why are you going in my closet? Come here Baby E."
"Mom, you're done! I heard the water turn off. Now will you wipe my bottom?"
"JUST A MINUTE! Baby E, put down that Toms wedge. Those are my favorite shoes. No, not the eye liner!"
The shoes, makeup, and baby are rescued just in time; but I still can't find a dry towel, and I am freezing.
I finally wipe Lil' C's bottom. Just as I suspected - no poop on the toilet paper.
"Why couldn't you just . . .oh, never mind!"
Lil' C skips off as I come around the corner to see Baby E pumping lotion into the tub on top of the crackers. This is when I need Calgon to come and take me away.
At least now I am out of the shower and I can police the Littles more closely. I make a note to myself for the 7,582nd time to get up earlier and shower before they are awake, or while Hubby is still home.
Yesterday, though, I saw my chance to have a shower alone. I could shave! I could exfoliate! I might even be able to deep condition! Lil' C was at preschool and Baby E was down for his nap. I did a bell kick and headed for the bathroom.
And that's when I heard the doorbell.
Ignore it, just ignore it. They'll go away.
But something told me to answer it.
"Hello, ma'am, we're from the roofing company. We just wanted to let you know that we'll be up on your roof fixing your skylight today."
That would be the skylight in my bathroom.
I guess when you're a mom, you truly can never shower alone.
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And you already knew that you can't ever pee alone either, right? In honor of Mother's Day and my birthday, which is in two weeks (remember May is the month of Kathy), I am giving away a copy of the most buzzed about book on the Internet, I Just Want to Pee Alone. Read my review here of the book every mommy needs to read written by the bloggers we all love to read and complied by the hilariously snarky Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat (and signed by her, too!).
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