Parents' Top Ten Fears

The other day my five-year-old son had surgery. Even though it was minor, I was still a little worried thinking about everything that could go wrong, as any surgery has inherent risks.

When Slim was just four months old, he had surgery to repair his cleft lip. After the surgery, he struggled to breathe on his own, and had to be monitored in the PICU. It was a scary situation that left an impression on me.

As I waited for my five-year-old to return from the operating room on Friday, I reflected on the fact that surgery worries aren’t even a blip on most parents’ radars. It’s more of a situational fear.

An informal poll of some of my friends and acquaintances on Facebook revealed what parents worry most about concerning their children. According to Allison of Motherhood WTF, it's "basically any bad thing that can befall a person." But here are the top ten responses:

 

10. Dating. Parents are already looking ahead to their children’s dating years and worrying about the choices they will make regarding sexual activity, especially parents of girls. Frugie from Frugalista Blog says, ". . . at some point [my daughter] will date and I know it's not for a while, but I just keep thinking of her with guys when she's in high school."

9. Drugs. “Just say no” doesn’t seem so easy anymore. Ilana of Mommy Shorts stated that, "Someone mentioned recently that kids today are doing heroin like it's no big deal. That freaked me out. I always thought when I eventually have the drug conversation I'd be talking about pot or something I could wrap my head around."

8. Driving. Many parents expressed fears as their children approach driving age, especially if they have friends in the car with them. Will they avoid texting and driving and drinking and driving? Toulouse of Toulouse and Tonic said, "Every time my husband pulls out of the driveway with both kids and I hear a siren somewhere, I'm afraid they've all been killed."

7. Accidents. Freak or otherwise, parents fear their child getting hurt. Meredith of The Mom of the Year, whose young son broke his femur and had to be in a body cast most of last year, said, "I always have this underlying sick feeling that they will somehow seriously hurt/maim themselves. Scary how quickly their lives/your life can change in the blink of an eye."

6. Bullying. It’s a sad fact that -90% of 4th through 8th graders report being victims of bullying. Steph from I'm Still Learning, mom of two boys, says, "I worry about them being mean to others. I try so damn hard to teach them empathy and thinking of others' feelings, but kids can be so cruel -- especially as they get older."

5. Peer pressure/self-esteem. Many parents remember their own experiences in this area and hope to teach their children. Keesha of Mom's New Stage mentioned she is worried that her daughter will get her "shit body image." 

4. Medical diagnosis. With increasing awareness of many childhood diagnoses such as cancer, autism, and severe allergies, this is heavy on parents’ minds. Anna of My Life and Kids noted, "I used to work at a children's hospital, and I still carry around about 15 horror stories - they will haunt me forever."

3. Molestation. I shudder every time my boys are out of my sight with other people.

2. Kidnapping. When it happens, it’s all over the news; and every parent’s heart skips a beat.

1. Death. Obviously, I have first-hand experience in this area. I never thought it would happen to me. Exclusive of a severe genetic birth defect, what parent does?

My friend Kim from Rubber Chicken Madness, single mom of two teenage boys, summed up the whole parent worry issue perfectly when she said, "While I'd like to keep them both under lock and key in an ivory tower until they're at least 25 and past most of these terrifying things, I cannot. I must do my best to guide and educate and love and nurture and (carefully) build trust and love some more."

Thanks to all my friends who helped with this post. Please go visit them and give them some love.

 

 

 

Did this list include some of your biggest fears? If not, what are they?

7 Lessons My Family Has Already Taught Me This Year

The new year has barely begun, and in my quest to "do everything better", I have found inspiration in the most unlikely of places - the very people for whom I want to be better. 

My family.

Over the years, they have taught me many lessons -  the most important being that no matter how genetically predisposed they might be to sinking a putt, dunking a basketball, hitting a home run, or putting a ball or a puck into a net, they still can not hit a laundry basket or a toilet that is a foot in front of them. And the ability to replace a roll of toilet paper is clearly not in their genetic code at all.

That said, they have surprised me lately in my weakest moments; and instead of being the teacher, I have become the learner.

1. Faith. The boys and I were sitting at mass on the morning of New Year's Eve. Joey was the intention of mass (if you are Catholic you understand this). I was feeling pretty sad since it was his birthday. As if he was reading my mind just then, Slim (who's birthday it also was) reached over and squeezed my knee, "Don't be sad, Mom. Joey is still with us. He always will be." It was just what I needed to hear right then. Sometimes I think my nine-year-old has more faith than I do.

2. Patience. In addition to being a terrible sleeper, my toddler is bound and determined to do everything himself! When I'm rushing around, late as usual, I have no tolerance for this. I quickly grab him as he goes all limp and throws a terrible two-style fit. "Oh, Mom," my seven-year-old says smiling, "he just wants to be like us. Here, I'll show him how." He then proceeds to help Baby E with whatever task he's trying to do all by himself, and the big brother adoration begins.

3. Courage. Change is hard - and scary! It takes a lot of guts to change old habits and try to learn new ones (I said, as I shove cookies in my face). My five-year-old has been going to "food school" to learn how to try new foods. When he first started going, he would begin to cry as soon as we walked in the door. He would kick his legs and gag and not look at the therapists. I don't blame him. If someone was going to shove a bite of unknown food at my mouth, I would probably push it away and protest loudly. Instead, every week, the crying gets less and the bites get bigger and he talks to the therapists more and more. I cannot believe the progress he's made in such a short time. I'm inspired by his bravery.

4. Forgiveness. As toilet and laundry challenged as the male species can be, I will say one thing for their ability to forgive and forget - it's amazing! I don't know many grown women {hand raised} that have the ability or willingness to do that. I can fail my family over and over by yelling or slacking at my "mom duties," and they shrug it off like it's no big deal. Because to them, it isn't. They don't get worked up about much. That is the bonus of living with all males.

5. Compromise. Hubby has always been so good at this. Maybe it's called a partnership, or maybe it's just how he rolls, but there is no clear division of labor in this house. We both fill all roles. He cooks, he cleans, he bathes children, he helps with homework. He does it all because he knows if he needs a break, I will give it to him, and vice versa.

6. Negotiation. This isn't always a bad thing. I see the boys start to get upset that their baby brother has one of their possessions. Ready to intervene when things get ugly, I'll often be stopped in my tracks as the older brother gives the baby brother another toy and gently removes his precious possession from baby's hands. It's slick. So slick, in fact, that I've often gotten caught in it. "Mommy, if I help you clean the kitchen, you'll have time to read me an extra story tonight, right?" Even NATO can't deny the power of that persuasion.

7. Unconditional love. We're a flawed family. We yell, we throw tantrums, we pout - we're so far from perfect. But at the end of the day, I see hugs all around. I hear boys sharing toys, including each other, setting aside something for someone because 'it's his favorite.' It's like they know that life can change in an instant, and we're all in it together.

I can't help but hope that they came by these qualities honestly, and that maybe they had a good role model along the way somewhere.

How to Sleep-Train A Toddler in 30 Easy Steps

I absolutely adore this little kid! He is, as the world's greatest supernanny said, "practically perfect in every way." He is sweet, loving, friendly, smart, curious, fun, happy, and gives the best hugs.

That said, he does have one flaw . . .he is a horrible sleeper.

It may have something to do with the fact that he has no idea how to self-soothe and that he thinks my nipples are his own personal sucking candies. When he wakes up and they are not there in his face, he has no idea what to do, but cry (I'm sorry ladies, but does this not sound like a typical man or what?).

Anyway, as he is almost 19 months old, and the quality of my own sleep has been so poor for the last, oh, 28 months, I think it's time to lay down the law and do some sleep training. So I present to you, my 30-step plan for sleep training my toddler:

1. Put him to sleep at his normal bedtime, via the normal routine (rocking and nursing - hey, if he's all cozy and satisfied, maybe he will stay asleep all night this time).

2. Go about my normal routine, which involves getting into bed at about 2:00 a.m.

3. Get all snuggled up in bed, wiggling and tossing and turning until my body is right in that comfortable groove in my bed.

4. Drift off and just barely enter REM.

5. Is that a baby crying? Hmmm . . .a baby is crying. I wonder where it is.

6. Get kicked in the shin by Hubby, "The baby is crying."

7. Unwrap from warm cocoon and prepare to get out of bed as Hubby says, "Just let him cry."

8. Cover back up and stare at the ceiling, listening to baby cry.

9. Twenty minutes later, lay fuming as Hubby is solidly snoring away and baby is now yelling, "Mommy! Moooooommmmmmy!"

10. Uncover again, get out of bed, and close door to bedroom so Hubby doesn't hear. 

11. Close all bedroom doors so no other little children wake up.

12. Stand with hand on door handle to baby's room, willing baby to stop crying.

13. After almost falling asleep standing up, decide it would be best to lay in hallway and listen to baby cry. Maybe being so close to the door, I will absorb all the sound and no one else will hear.

14. Start drifting off, only to be awakened by a shooting pain in my hip from laying on the floor.

15. Realize baby is now all out sobbing.

16. Think, screw it, and go in his room.

17. Have every intention of just shushing him, giving him a pat, and leaving, but instead, melt and give in when he smiles, reaches his arms out and says, "Mommy!"

18. Pick him up and sink into his tight little hug and toddler sweetness.

19. Stand with him, swaying back and forth until his little head drops on my shoulder.

20. Convinced he is asleep, gently lay him back down in his crib.

21. Yell, "CRAP!" and run out of the room when he immediately pops back up.

22. Go back down the hall, close the door, get back in bed and cover head with several blankets and pillows.

23. Realize I can still hear baby yelling, "MOMMY!!"

24. Hear 9 year old in the hall, and realize baby is in danger of waking everyone up.

25. Throw off covers, sighing audibly.

26. Meet 9 year old in hall, who says, "Mom, the baby wants you."

27. Curse fertile uterus.

28. Completely give in by picking toddler up, getting comfy in rocking chair, and nursing him until he's sound asleep, and I have a cramp in my butt.

29. Resign myself to this routine until baby is in kindergarten, I have enough money to hire the baby whisperer, I make the cover of Time Magazine baby's ear infection is all cleared up.

30. Put baby down, sound asleep, and creep out of room as sun is rising while thinking to myself, He's only little for a short time. Who cares? Not me. Not really.



Do you struggle with any poor sleepers at your house? What is your plan for fixing it?

10 Post-Holiday Murphy's Laws: Decorating Edition

It's several days after the new year now, and my house is all put back together. As I was UN-decking my halls of holiday cheer, a few thoughts occurred to me about post Christmas cleanup that surely must be part of some unwritten list of Murphy's Laws for the holidays.

 





1. The number of happy little "elves" who were beyond excited to help me decorate on Thanksgiving weekend, dropped drastically to zero as everyone pretended to be interested in whatever Bowl game happened to be on t.v. at the exact time I said I would be taking down decorations and would like some help, please.

2. No matter how hard I try, the ornaments are never going to fit back in the boxes the way they came out. So I need to stop trying.

3. The ratio of ornaments I find myself left with is 50:25:25. 50% made it off the tree unbroken and intact. 25% are slightly worse for wear having been chipped or altered in some other manner (I set those aside telling myself I will buy super glue and repair them for next year). 25% were broken, shattered, or ruined completely and thrown away over the course of the holiday.

4. I made a note to myself to stock up on cheap, plastic ornaments at the after Christmas clearance sales as all holiday long my toddler thought it would be a good idea to practice his early ball skills by grabbing ornaments off the tree, running five feet into the kitchen and chucking them onto the tile floor where they became one of the latter 25%.

5. As I put the 50% away that made it through the holidays, I noticed they were all the cheap, ugly ones that I have received as gag gifts or at white elephant holiday parties that I put around the bottom of the tree hoping my toddler would destroy them.

6. I know I am never going fix the 25% I deemed "fixable."

7. Inevitably, I will overlook a decoration that is either winter-themed or was placed in an odd location around my home. Someone will notice it when I am hosting the group playdate in March, after which I will take it down and shove it in the first holiday tote I find.

8. I will wonder where that decoration is next year, only to find it two years from now stuffed among the bunnies and plastic eggs that I use to decorate for Easter.

9. I feel a much bigger sense of satisfaction once the decorations are packed away, the tree is taken to the recycling center, the floor is vacuumed, the furniture is moved back, and the toys are relocated to their permanent locations than I had when I stepped back and viewed the house fully decorated.

10. When the kids are back to school and the house is tidy and quiet again, I will realize that despite the extreme stress, chaos, mess and general disorganization that the holidays bring, I kind of miss it and am looking forward to next Christmas just a little bit.

Tuesday

It's Tuesday again. Tuesday is my Nemesis, my Groundhog Day.

Yes, this would be my toilet.

 

 

 

You see, my cleaning lady comes every Tuesday. Now, before you go thinking 'Kathy is too highfalutin' for me,' just know that I don't pay her very much. She's not that good. And I'm okay with that because 3.2 seconds after she walks out the door, someone spills their full glass of milk all over the kitchen floor or pees all over the bathroom wall or smudges up the glass on the front door with their fingerprints.

 

So each Tuesday, after she leaves, I inevitably have to use the toilet in the master bathroom at some point in the day. And each time I use it, I have to scoot the toilet paper keeper - thingy back up next to the toilet because she has scooted it all the way back in the corner.

 

Why is my toilet paper not on a toilet paper holder, you ask? Because the same little humans that mess up the house in 3.2 seconds managed to break it off the wall, that's why.

 

Anyway, each Tuesday, as I am sitting on the toilet and scooting the toilet paper back up next to me - again - I am thinking, 'It's Tuesday again? What did I do last week?'

 

In fact, I'm kind of feeling like my life lately has been this endless series of Tuesdays that leave me scratching my head and wondering what I am doing with my life.

 

One glance at my already full January calendar tells me what I've been spending most of my time on.

 

Everyone has their own color.

 

Sometimes I long for the early days when the boys were little, and we had nowhere to be. An outing for us was the grocery store or the library for story time. I never got bored because I always had someone to play with.

 

But my boys are growing up, and unlike the lazy days my older boys experienced, Baby E's schedule is determined by the older boys' or how many errands Mommy thinks she can run before nap time. That's just the life of a family, I guess.

 

Not that I mind (most days), but as the new year is beginning - ironically on a Tuesday - I can't help but reflect on one nagging thought: What the hell did I do last year?

 

And more importantly: What will I do this year?

 

No, this isn't going to be a New Year's Resolution post. I've done that before. And I think it's safe to tell you because we're all friends here - I didn't do any of those five things I said I was going to do, with the exception of writing more. In 2011, I posted 23 times. In 2012, I posted 116 times.

 

In April, I was asked to be part of a new website called Her View From Home, which highlights the many wonderful aspects of my home state, Nebraska. (No seriously, Nebraska rocks! It's a great place to live.) I am currently writing two family posts and one gluten-free post a month, which post on Wednesday mornings. Even if you live nowhere near Nebraska, I promise you, the site has something you will enjoy.

 

Lately, I have also been featured on other sites. Mamapedia was the first to post something of mine. I really wanted to see my own name on my daily e-mail from them. After submitting about eight times, I was ready to give up. I had a post that had gotten a good response from people, so I said 'What the hell - one more time.' And that's the one that did it. You always hear that many famous people were rejected several times before they found success. But, rejection sucks - for real. I guess my takeaway there is that the more I submit, the more likely someone will grab something they like.

 

I've had success on other sites, too, like The Huffington Post. From there, I have gained new followers for whom I'm so grateful. I may not have thousands of followers, but I know the ones who are here are here because they really want to be and want to hear what I have to say. And that's humbling, but also inspiring.

 

As far as those getting healthier and exercising goals - holy crap, you guys! This has not been a good year for that. I have neglected myself big time. That fact glared back at me a few times from pictures I saw of myself. Here I am on my 40th birthday:

Not bad, right?

Here is a professional photograph I had taken this summer that is now following me around the interwebs as my gravitar:

 

 

 

This picture is horrible! Holy moley, I look godawful! I think you can still see the old me in my smile and eyes, but the bags under my eyes and the bloated face tell onlookers what's been going on - way too much crappy food and way too little sleep. My mom keeps telling me, 'Well you are 42, you know.' Yes, thank you, Mom, I can count. I'm not denying aging, but looking the way I do in the second picture is preventable and - hopefully - fixable.

 

And there's the aging body. Yes, again, I'm in my 40's, metabolism is slowing down, blah, blah, blah. But friends, I have gained a serious amount of weight his year. Which obviously is not acceptable. I know I am probably never going to have my honeymoon, pre-baby bikini body back - like, ever - but, I did promise Hubby I would consider wearing a bikini on our tropical vacation later this year. Instead of airbrushed magazine models, I'm using me as inspiration.

 

 

I used to think I was fat. It was the thighs. I've always

had, er - ample - thighs.

 

 

 

We joined a new family-friendly gym, and I just have to go. Or do something at home most days. There's really no excuse. One of my sons is getting a little chubby, too. I feel like I've been setting a horrible example - failing as a mom. I need to do better.

 

So that's the thing. I need to do better. I know I can do better. I told someone today, I've had too many of those Why bother? moments this year. And I shouldn't have. Despite the fact that yes, I am still grieving the loss of my beautiful boy and I will be for the rest of my life, I do have the rest of my life ahead of me. And Hubby's and my sons. I want to be the best me I can be. I want to at least be trying harder.

 

We've heard all the sayings - Happy wife, happy life. - If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

 

Seriously, these are true. And the wife and mama hasn't been too happy for a while now. Really happy.

 

But you know what? I think I've finally come to a place where I know what makes me happy - what used to make me happy anyway. And all I can do is say I will try. No resolutions, no goals. Just maybe a few dreams in mind, maybe some things I want to do. I'm not going to spell them all out here. I'll keep them close to me for now, but I promise I will share if I meet with success.

 

I have spent way too much time this past year feeling sorry for myself, thinking nothing I do matters anyway. I know that is simply not true. It matters. I matter. I don't want to feel tired and hopeless. I want to feel invigorated and hopeful.

 

There are things I want to do.

 

All I can do is try.

 

It is Tuesday after all.

 

 

 

 

Do you have a New Year plan?