Do You Know What Bullying Really Is?

October is National Bullying Prevention Awareness Month. Bullying is something that we talk about a lot. We talk about it in schools, in neighborhoods, in our own homes, and particularly during the current election.

We hear of children being mean to each other, and we immediately call it bullying. We hear of adults being harassed in the workplace, but is it really bullying? We hear the candidates "slinging mud" at one another, but are they bullying?

A sad fact of life is that human beings can be mean to one another. They can harbor prejudices, they can exclude those they don't like, and yes, they can pick on and make fun of one another.

But when does it cross the line to bullying? 

Some important things to remember about bullying are:

• It's about power. One person has it, the other does not. 
• It's intentional. It's not accidentally bumping into someone or playing a game without asking everyone if they want to play. It's purposefully hurting someone or using a reason why you're excluding someone.  
• It's ongoing. Once is just jerky; every day is bullying. 
• It's attention seeking. Bullies usually want an audience. They want people to laugh and join in because it makes them feel cooler, better, more in control. 
• It's sneaky. Some bullies want to torment people in secret so they can deny it later. 
• It's unwanted, unwarranted, and unfair. Sometimes we can laugh at ourselves. Sometimes. Not everyday. 
• It's racist, homophobic, economically or gender-driven stereotyping. It makes assumptions of who or what someone is based on certain factors. 

Here's a handy chart describing just exactly what bullying is: 

Pin it on Pinterest here. 

We need to be careful when we use the word "bullying." Using it for any situation in which someone is being mean diminishes the importance and urgency of what we need to teach our children about bullying. 

If someone is simply being mean, tell them to knock it off or walk away and find someone else to talk to. If someone didn't ask you to play, find out if you can still join the game. If someone is pointing out that your zipper is down, laugh at yourself and zip it up. 

Some situations have a simple solution. 

But bullying - true bullying - can turn dangerous. We need to teach our children how to handle themselves in three scenarios: what to do if they are being bullied, how to handle a bully they see or who wants them to join in, and how to handle feelings that tempt us to bully. 

If you are being bullied:

• Have confidence in yourself. If you do, you lessen the chances you will be bullied. Maybe you can talk it out with the person. 
• If you can't, talk to an adult you trust - your parents, a teacher, a counselor, a mentor. 
• Don't react. That is just what the person wants. 
• Read more tips here on STOMP out bullying. 

If you are witnessing bullying: 

• Know that by doing nothing, you are indicating that the bullying is okay. 
• Don't laugh, repeat what the person doing the bullying is saying, or give them an audience in any way. 
• Help the person being bullied to get away or go get an adult. 
• Reach out in friendship to the person being bullied. Include him or her in some of your activities. 
• Find out more ways to help here. 

If you are tempted to bully: 

• Take a quiz here to find out if you are engaging in bullying behavior. 
• Think about times people hurt you and how it made you feel. 
• Talk to someone you trust about your feelings and how you can positively change them. 
• Know that it's easier to choose meanness and negativity. It's harder to choose kindness and tolerance. Find out how you can make positive choices here. 

Bullying happens in many situations and in many ways - online, workplace, sports, social organizations. One out of four children report being bullied. The percentages drastically increase among LGBTQ students. 

It can even turn deadly. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people. Many children being bullied contemplate suicide, and we've all heard the tragic stories of children who have gone through with it. If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, get help. 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

Bullying - whether being bullied or doing the bullying - can have lasting effects on children. Many miss school, have lower grades, drop out early, get involved with drugs and alcohol, or commit violent crimes. 

Bullying is a serious and complicated issue. Remember, the way our children behave, how they feel about themselves, and what they choose to do ultimately begins with us - the parents. They are going to mimic our example. 

To learn more, visit some of these websites and find out what you can do:

http://www.stompoutbullying.org/

http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/

https://www.stopbullying.gov/

http://www.pacer.org/bullying/

Do you have any tips or ideas to share? Put them in the comments and help us end bullying. 

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8 Ways to Help Your Special Needs Student Succeed This School Year

On the drive to school the first day, Slim looked at himself in the rear view mirror and adjusted his new glasses.

"I look good. I really look like I'm in junior high."

I smiled at him and continued to drive through the intersection toward school. In the drop off lane, he bolted out of the car faster than he ever had in the first seven years attending school. I barely had time to say, "Be good, be kind, work hard," my mantra for the last several years.

"I love you! Have a good first day!" I shouted at his back as he bounded down the stairs toward the entrance reserved specially for the seventh and eighth graders.

I honestly never thought I would see this day. This day he made his way through that entrance, wearing the gray polo of a junior high kid instead of the white polo of an elementary kid, actually excited about what lie ahead for him.

We were going to switch him to a different school. Unsure that he could keep up with the rigorous demands of our private school without full-time autism support and without other kids and adults who just "got it."

I prayed for a sign. I prayed for any sign that would indicate he'd be okay if we switched him to the public junior high school.

I should have known, though, that I never get the signs I want.

But I do get the ones I need.

Teachers who "got it," kids who had his back, plans in place, and friends who would move with him to the public high school. All signs pointed to staying put for junior high.

Over the summer I watched him mature before my eyes: taking the dog for walks, making friends in the neighborhood, teaching himself to play golf. I was excited for his teachers to see the maturity, too.

But they never called to meet before school began. And I got worried. I doubted the system. I thought we had to start over from square one.

I held my temper and judgments as I responded to an email. I put a big smile on my face for Open House night. And once again, my fears were quelled.

All six of his teachers were kind. They had heard about him and were versed on the strategies that had been used in sixth grade. The PE teacher and the music teacher already had something set up for him. Everyone had welcoming smiles. My stiff smile became a real one of relief.

It's been four days, and he's already had to visit with the principal about blurting out. I know there are 166 more long days ahead of us, some complete with notes home, or emails, or the dreaded phone call. But we'll make it. You know how I know? We all have three things in common: we care about Slim, we work together, and we have faith in the system.


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Navigating any year in school can be difficult when your child has an IEP or special accommodation plan. As they move up the ladder and have more teachers and more classes, it can get really scary. And as parents, we can get downright tired of all the meetings and phone calls and broken links in the chain. But there are definitely things we can do to make the year go more smoothly for everyone and save headaches down the road. 

1. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Don't wait for the teacher(s) to make the first contact. Reach out via an email, letter, or in person. The beginning of the year is crazy busy for teachers and they have so many students and parents to get to know. Let them put names to faces and introduce yourself and your child, as well as tell them something about him.

2. Be patient. It may take a week or so to get plans and behavior charts up and running again. Be sure to check in with the teacher to make sure plans have been put in place.

3. Be supportive at home. For a child who is struggling either academically or behaviorally, home and school plans need to go hand-in-hand. Share with the school what has worked at home, and reinforce both positive and negative consequences from school at home.

4. Find your "person." This is someone who has worked with your child in previous years and knows him well. It could be a special education teacher, a therapist, a PE teacher, or anyone who will work with him year after year. Establish a good relationship and use that person to help in the transition to the next grade. They can share what works and doesn't work with new staff members.

5. Keep an open mind and trust the process. If this year's teacher wants to try something new, hear her out. Most teachers are highly trained and experienced with requirements for continuing education. Maybe a fresh new strategy will work.

6. Have a positive attitude. I know sometimes it can seem like everyone is "out to get" your child or you may feel like they think you're a bad parent; but trust me, they don't. Their job is to help your child while reserving judgement.

7. Know your rights. You know that paper you get every year entitled, "Your rights in special education"? Read it. Learn it. And use it if you have to. Here is a quick and easy to read guide outlining those rights.

8. Chat with other parents of special needs children. You are not in this alone, though it can feel like that sometimes. You can commiserate, share ideas and strategies, and share successes and wins with someone who gets it.


By staying as involved and positive as you can, you are one step closer to ensuring the success and happiness of your special needs student.

Sign up here for our monthly newsletter to stay in touch and never miss a post. 

Do you have any other advice to add? Share it in the comments or on Facebook. We'd love to hear your wisdom. 

And how about all that homework?? Read what parents AND teachers really think about it right here. 

Don't Forget Average

Sometimes I feel like I have an upper hand in my sons' education because I was a teacher for eight years.

Other times I feel like I have NO clue what I am doing because I was not a special education teacher or an autism expert or a teacher of gifted children.

I was just a regular average teacher of regular average children.

And that's okay. Mostly.

As a mother to four boys, I have a variety of learners in my house. I have one who picks things up quickly, I have one who struggles in every aspect of his education, I have one with autism and as such he is brilliant in some areas and severely lacking in others, and I have one regular average child who does regular average things.

In trying to meet the needs of the first three, the fourth gets overlooked sometimes. While I'm sure he will be fine, it's not always fine to assume that he will.

Regular average children aren't always as they seem. Some, like my son, have hidden issues that they are trying to cover up by being average and fine and regular.

Don't misunderstand me - sometimes that really is just fine. Average is fine and good, but if there is a possibility that I or one of his teachers can inspire him to be more, to try harder, and aspire to be more than just fine and average? I think that's great!

I'm talking about it on Her View From Home today. You can read about it here.


Here is another one of my recent posts there that hopefully gives comfort to those who have lost a pregnancy or baby.

I hope you'll read both and share with someone who may need to hear it.

xo

Do these 3 things and your child - and YOU - will have a better school year

New shoes on feet, crisp unstained white polos on body, backpacks full of shiny new school supplies. Pancakes hot off the griddle, hopes riding high, anxiety working overtime.

We were on time to the first day of school three weeks ago. But as the week wore on, we got there later and later; and that 7:20 a.m. goal departure time was getting farther and farther away from the time we were actually leaving, shoes untied with toaster waffles stuffed in sweaty hands.

It built until one day, I blew. Ranting, raving, screaming - WHERE ARE YOUR GLASSES? WHY AREN'T YOUR BOOKS IN YOUR BACKPACK? YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOWN HERE ALREADY! PUT YOUR SHOES ON IN THE CAR!

I felt awful. This is not the way I want to send my kids away for the day. It makes them in a rotten mood; and honestly, it makes me fear a school shooting even more and those being the last words I say to my children.

The house eerily quiet, I could hear myself think for a change. What are you doing, Kathy? You used to be a teacher! You wouldn't yell at your students like that. You would have a classroom management system in place with expectations clearly posted. 

Consequently, I spent the rest of the day prepping my house just as I used to prep my classroom. By the time my boys arrived home, I had graphs and charts and posters hung that clearly stated the objectives.

"I did my job, boys, now you need to do yours," I stated, and washed my hands of yelling for the rest of the school year.

Here are the three simple things I did:

1. I made a morning checklist. 

I hung this in my eleven-year-old's cubby. He is the one usually coming to the car and then going back inside saying he's forgotten something important. Now I don't have to nag and remind. Everything he needs for the day is spelled out and hung right by his backpack. It's in his hands now.

2. Designated a spot for important things:

Again, for my eleven-year-old. He is always misplacing his glasses. They can be anywhere from in the shower, to the floor under the bed, or buried in the covers of his bed. This is the spot where they should always be. We are still working on this, but it helps a lot and is a huge time-saver in the morning.

3. After school expectations:

After school is another time I get tired of yelling at the boys to do certain things. So, I spelled it out for them. Don't laugh at my primitive pictures, but those are for my second grader who is still learning to read. This is where I have seen the biggest difference. I see the boys checking the steps when they get home. Just the threat of losing the screen time - which is clearly spelled out as a consequence - is enough of a motivator for them.

We usually get home at about 3:30-:35. I put in step #6 for Slim because he needs to check the Brain POP of the day. The other boys skip that step and get right to their work, adding that 10 minutes on to their screen time later or to their active time.

As a supplement to these strategies, I'm also employing:

• Consistency. This is something I've had to work on personally. Getting up at the same time, getting the boys up at a set time, and leaving the house at the same time every day no matter what. This helps a ton by getting the boys to school early enough to be ready for their school day. 
• Scheduled homework breaks. Lil' C doesn't have that much homework in second grade and Knox is really good about finishing his fourth grade homework, but Slim has a lot of sixth grade homework that is tough for him to focus on after a while. I let him have 5-10 minute iPad breaks after a certain amount of work - that I designate - is done. Sometimes I will ask him to estimate how long something will take him to do. Then I will set the timer; and if he can beat the clock, he earns extra break time. It really helps to motivate him. 
• Praise and extra mom time. I am always sure to point out what the boys are doing well. I am specific with my praise, "I like the way you sat right down and started your homework without my help." With so many boys to help, I try to set aside extra time to read a special book or play a game with someone whose homework is done. 

I'm starting here; and if necessary, I will add some behavior mapping if people are slacking off and making poor choices. Search Pinterest boards for some ideas on how to create a behavior map. Be sure to put both positive and negative (or expected and unexpected) behaviors and consequences on it. 

Your child does not have to be a special education student, or have ADHD or ASD to benefit from these strategies. We all learn in a variety of ways from visual to auditory to kinesthetic. I bet you have more than one type of learner in your house. Trust me when I say, this will work and save your sanity. 

I'll post more tips as the school year progresses. Do you have an idea that works for your kids at home or at school? We'd love to hear it! Leave it below or post a link. 

Together we can help our kids succeed (and save ourselves from headaches!).

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